Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my six year old just made this bumper sticker for me

Friend: “so how did you two meet?”
No Woman Ever: “he cat-called me in the street and we have been together ever since”

Me: I want to buy a keyboard

Yamaha: yep

Me: … and a guitar

Yamaha: yeah we got you bro

Me: also weird q but do you know where i can find a jet ski?

Yamaha: you’re not gonna believe this

[showing baby to friends]
“Aw, he looks like his dad!”
Wife [trying to hold back tears]: they say there’s nothing they can do

[on the phone with wife]
Honey, who do you like better, Hulk Hogan or Jafar from Aladdin?
“Tell me why.”
[winks at tattoo artist] No reason.

[therapy]

ME: *in tears* So anyway, that’s why I think she left me

PERSON ON ELEVATOR: Please, I have a family

*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*

– parallel parking a time machine

November should have one more day. just because to me November 31st sounds real. and also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow

“Some men go months without being hugged.” Ok then they should hug each other.

“I missed you today.”

“Awwww I missed you too.”

*both frantically reload dueling pistols*

What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner

“so u have no idea what started the fire” the fireman looks at me. i shake my head no. i nervously fidget with my recipe for a thrice baked potato behind my back

Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit

FRIEND: Don’t come on strong.
{Later}
DATE: Want to try some of my soup?
ME: The spoon is too heavy.

I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone

“Oh shit, I’m supposed to go find them…”

Who?

“The kids. We were playing hide and seek.”

-my husband, about 20 minutes into a conversation he and I were having

8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening

Me: you will inherit everything I own

So it’s okay for the cat to run away and hide under the bed when visitors turn up.

But when I do it, I’m “antisocial”.

I call bullshit.

2yo: Mommy, the baby is being ridiculous!

Me: He is? How?

2yo: *exasperated* Because he won’t talk to me!!

Me:

I hate it when I’m naked and all lathered up with soap and then run out of quarters at the car wash.

*moves all unread emails to trash

Omg I got so much done today.

My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.

[bar]
HER: wanna get outta here? *winks*
ME: hell ya
HER: whatya thinkin?
ME: lets go to my place and arm wrestle
HER: what?
ME: u scared?

WIFE: I thought you said you were going to the gym.

ME: [playing Pokémon Go] I’ve been to like 3 of them today. What are you talking about?

ruin Thanksgiving for everyone with a detailed description of how you prepared the turkey

I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink

My kid said “don’t look at me,” and now it’s like my eyes are glued to her face and I can’t look anywhere else.

Her: [asking about movie I’m watching] Is he her husband?

Me: I’m not sure.

Her: Is that other guy her brother?

Me: Maybe?

Her: Haven’t you been watching this?

Me: Yes, but I didn’t know there would be a test.

Here’s my impression of an astronomer discovering that an asteroid is coming to destroy earth: “This will make me famous but not for long”