Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

DOCTOR: What’s the matter?

ME: I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad husband.

DOCTOR: I meant with your wife.

ME: Oh her water broke or something.

Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.

Joker: hey can you not punch me? yanno, social distancing haha

Batman: *pulls out batarangs*

Joker: ohhh are those sanitized?

Batman: ugh you know we really shouldn’t even be out in Gotham

Joker: oh I just needed eggs lol

Batman: me too!

[both eye last carton]

Horror reviews are my favorite thing because they’ll be like “This book is vile. It gave me mono and siphoned all the gas from my car. It is a literal cursed object and I don’t feel safe around it. Five huge stars.”

I couldn’t take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.

You can’t screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.

i lost my sunglasses in the laundry a couple days ago & asked the super to keep an eye out. today he found them & told me in detail exactly what happened: “i saw the security video. you were eating a bag of chips & they fell off when you tilted your head back to finish the bag”

Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god

Plastic surgeon: We can help with-

Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement

There’s nothing more humiliating than taking your pet to bed with you, and they get down and leave the room.

You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.

[Job interview]
Boss: “What’s your biggest weakness?”
Me: “I have no weaknesses.”
*clutches picture of the dolphin that killed my father*

The state parks in NJ are opening today, but the bathrooms will be closed. I’m still staying home, too much anxiety worrying about where to go if I gotta take a shit.

Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.

Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.

I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..

Eggs are just drums you can only play once

Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Oh Lord Hashtag Lol

My son continued to wear his earbuds shopping with me after I told him not to so he didn’t hear me say I was leaving.

Hope he finds a ride home.

My spirit animal is a hamster named Bob.

He used to be a regular hamster named Bob.

But, I kinda forgot to feed him for a couple of weeks.

I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…

Date: You don’t look anything like your profile picture

Incredible Hulk: THE BUS WAS LATE

Yeah I do yoga.

Ninja Yoga.

I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.

Harder!
Faster!
A little to the left.
Yeah, that’s the spot.

Me, watching my husband scrub the shower.

Him: have you had dinner yet?

Me: *after eating entire bag of chips, 2 donuts and 6 cookies* Nope, not yet.

A passenger is at the airport at 6AM in a pressed suit and said “good morning!”

Excuse me, sir, that is not the vibe here. The rest of us have agreed to be sullen and wear the closest thing to pajamas you can legally leave the house in.
Go back and try again.

ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.

[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants

Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.

Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.

What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose.