I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.
Just gonna catch up and tackle him.
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[i drop my costco card in front of a hot girl] haha WOOPS! accident. yeah i have a costco membership. not really a big deal tbh
GOD: Sharp pincers
CRAB: Thats dope
GOD: Hard shell
CRAB: Hell ya
GOD: Delicious legs lmao
CRAB: Wtf
Called Comcast to see about dropping my service and long story short, If anyone wants to watch Showtime, call me on one of my 36 landlines.
Me: Send prudes.
Her: Wait, did you mean nudes?
Me: What? Ew. No.
She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”
I’ll take Dumb Ideas for $300, Alex.
Your Answer: sit on the ground and eat food while bugs crawl all over you
What is a picnic?
Correct!
Shout out to the unmuted lady in this Zoom webinar who has the hiccups and is highlighted as the speaker every time she hics
“I don’t have a library card, can I get on a computer?”
“You don’t have a card?”
“Nope.”
“But the printing. And ebooks.”
“No thanks.”
“And databases and DVDs.”
“Nah.”
“And every year on your birthday library workers come to your house and sing.”
“Really?”
“One way to find out.”
Hold a grudge? I’m still mad at a song from 1995 that confused irony with coincidence.
All underwear is edible if you aren’t a coward
My 3yo niece wants dead grapes.
Raisins, she wants raisins.
dinosaurs are always described as “roaming” the earth which is patronizing as hell i bet they had places to go and important shit to do
Him: *running* That’s not what they mean when they say, “Chicks dig scars!”
Me: *shovel in hand* It’s what this chick means.
IKEA is fine if you don’t mind assembling furniture in 18 steps and realizing you made a mistake in step 3.
9 was yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc he couldn’t do his maths homework so I sat down with him to help and now 9 and I are both yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc we can’t do his maths homework
*sets the mood with candlelight, flowers and the pepto bismol jingle
A gym so fancy they call it a James.
We talk a lot about the conflict between slow vs fast walkers and not enough about encountering someone who walks EXACTLY YOUR SPEED and it turns into a heated but silent conflict
Sex but instead of moaning she yells YAAAAHAHAHOOOEEYYY like Goofy does evey time he falls
The inventor of auto-correct walked into a bar and ordered a bear.
Arranged to pick something up on facebay. On way there they text to say they’d sold to someone else. Stalked their profile until they posted they were in search of something. Said I had it. When they turned up, I told them I’d just sold it someone else instead.
I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*
Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.
so you’re telling me a boot cut these jeans
Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.
!!!!!!!!!!!
Lady Gaga: rah rah ah ah ah rom mah ro mah mah
Shaggy *wiping tears at Scooby’s funeral* beautiful
My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.
*annual sexual harassment seminar.
Boss: We need more seats.
Me: *taps lap* I’ve got a place for someone to sit.
Boss: *sighing* You’re the reason we have these meetings.