It would be awesome if the Joker movie ended with Batman yelling “Oh HELL no” off camera and swooping in and just beating the absolute shit out of him.”
I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.
Just gonna catch up and tackle him.
You Might Also Like
DR: i’m afraid you’re sterile
ME: yeah i just washed my hands
DR: no…you can’t have kids
ME: right. men can’t get pregnant
DR: you’ll never be able to pass down your genes
ME: that’s okay. when i finally have a son i’ll just buy him his own pair
I had a dream where children were allowed to pick their parents, and I woke up thinking “This is not The Gates’ residence.”
In a library, I find it’s best to slap a book closed and whip off my glasses after coming across some unexpectedly harrowing information.
*At animal group therapy*
Moderator: introduce yourselves please
Fruit bat: I’m a bat that eats fruit …
Honey bear: I’m a bear that eats honey…
Sperm whale: do we have to do this?
My husband keeps watching a tv show while complaining about how boring it is, & now I understand how he’s stayed married to me for so long.
Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don’t let your dog sit in the driver’s seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.
First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!
[out in public]
Me: A kid is crying.
Wife: It’s not one of ours.
[we fist bump]
My tombstone will say, “She was a people pleaser most of her life until one day she snapped and had to be taken out by the national guard.”