I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.
Just gonna catch up and tackle him.
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[the day after I meet a genie]
boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today
me: *loudly* oh wow so weird
i told the bus driver he was hot when i got off the bus because life’s short but now he’s my driver on the way back too so turns out life is long
Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.
To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now
‘Triskaidekaphobia’ is the word for an irrational fear of the number 13.
But why does Big Dictionary have no word for if the fear is rational? Like, maybe the number 13 killed your family, or cut your brake lines.
Stay woke, friends.
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I have used a condiment from my parents’ fridge without checking the expiration date
I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor’s cat
I like the idea in Star Trek that universal audio translators are a thing by the 23rd century. That means around the 22nd century we just get special glasses that show subtitles
*pulls up to window*
Me: *on phone* Ok, so you want a chocolate shake also? Ok, I’ll get two then. *phone rings while its at my ear*
my fitness goal is for people to stop adding “for your age” after “you look great”
me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.
me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man
My son, sleepwalking, came into my room and said “Can you get the trash out of my bed?” So I went to his room and showed him there’s no trash and he said, exasperated, “Why would there be trash in my bed?” then laid down and went back to sleep.
That about sums up motherhood.
I’ve watched enough Dexter to know if he’s lying about one thing he might also be lying about a lot of other things and secretly a serial killer.
Screw your Twitter Crushes and Twitter Husbands and Twitter Nemeses. I want a Twitter Penguin. I want a pet penguin, but only on Twitter.
Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.
Apparently telling the kids that you’re not in the mood for their shit does not improve their behavior, but it does teach your toddler how to say shit.
My wife and I are to the point where I can text her “Hey” and she’ll text back “It’s on the dresser.”
[pours a bag of sugar over a tire fire]
hmmm
[tastes remnants]
i think i’ll call it… Twizzlers
Don’t move, I know what I’m doing.
*takes a nap
Revenge is not a dish you dumb fucks.
When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.
❤️❤️❤️
Him: Baby are you mad?
Me:
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
No, why?
smartest karate player in the world
me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is
Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.
Baker: Is there a problem?
Cannibal, returning a mincemeat pie: You’re damn right there’s a problem!
Any zoo can be a petting zoo if you’re really good at climbing fences.
Robert Pattinson can play Batman but Christian Bale could never play Edward Cullen