@TigNotaro

I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.

Just gonna catch up and tackle him.

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@kibblesmith

It would be awesome if the Joker movie ended with Batman yelling “Oh HELL no” off camera and swooping in and just beating the absolute shit out of him.”

@notviking

DR: i’m afraid you’re sterile
ME: yeah i just washed my hands
DR: no…you can’t have kids
ME: right. men can’t get pregnant
DR: you’ll never be able to pass down your genes
ME: that’s okay. when i finally have a son i’ll just buy him his own pair

@Terdoh

I had a dream where children were allowed to pick their parents, and I woke up thinking “This is not The Gates’ residence.”

@TheWoodenslurpy

In a library, I find it’s best to slap a book closed and whip off my glasses after coming across some unexpectedly harrowing information.

@heyitsJudeD

*At animal group therapy*

Moderator: introduce yourselves please

Fruit bat: I’m a bat that eats fruit …

Honey bear: I’m a bear that eats honey…

Sperm whale: do we have to do this?

@Donna_McCoy

My husband keeps watching a tv show while complaining about how boring it is, & now I understand how he’s stayed married to me for so long.

@usedwigs

Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don’t let your dog sit in the driver’s seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.

@ThisOneSayz

First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!

@XplodingUnicorn

[out in public]

Me: A kid is crying.

Wife: It’s not one of ours.

[we fist bump]

@Abfablee

My tombstone will say, “She was a people pleaser most of her life until one day she snapped and had to be taken out by the national guard.”