I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.
Just gonna catch up and tackle him.
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my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o nme: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now
“This is a terrible wine tasting event. ” – me at church.
The “free milkshakes for a month” contest I just won is telling me my month’s supply of shakes is 5 shakes. Yeah 5 should last me a month…
paramedic arriving on the scene: oh my god his face is totally disfigured
me: [only hurt my leg] what
My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”
It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?
son: daddy, do you believe in the Boogie Man?
me: I used to, but not anymore
[from under the bed]: I forgot to pick you up from the airport ONE TIME!
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 2.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 3.
I know! I’ll just surprise her with toast and jam.
12: I don’t like that.
Welcoming 2023 with the same energy.
Donuts are beautiful creatures and they deserve their own week on the nature channels.
[11am]
Me: oh look, it’s sunny out.
Me: I should go running.
Me: or swimming!
Me: these Doritos are delicious.
Wife: I hate it when romance novels say the guy “explored her body.” What’s he going to do, plant a flag? “I claim this booty for England!”
I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits
If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally
Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?
“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”
– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon
“Dear God, make me a bird, so I can…”
*turns into penguin*
“DAMMIT I WASN’T FINISHED!”
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do Cowboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”
#StillHurts
[ER visits, by age]
Doctor: How did this happen?
Me at 24: I was trying to dunk a basketball.
Me now: I was reaching for my glasses.
Girlfriend: Are you crying?
Me: It’s a wedding episode…
Gf: But you don’t even like this show
Me: Yeah but at first the wedding was cancelled…but they pulled it together…because of love 😭
CORONA VIRUS TIP:
If you have a donut in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face or shake hands.
Our dog jumped on my phone while I was checking Outlook and deleted an entire folder of work emails, so I’ve hired her as my personal assistant
they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead
Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
🤣🤣
when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied
My favorite way to mop the bathroom floor is to give the kids a bath.
The walls, too.
Yup, and ceiling.
Q: What day does an Easter egg hate the most?
A: Good Fry-day.#GoodFriday #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes