Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My toddler keeps running over and yelling “BOO!” in my face.

It’s totally unnecessary, though. I’ve been completely terrified of him since the day he was born.

What I thought I’d want my kids to learn: kindness, compassion, empathy

What I actually want them to learn: to flush the toilet and turn off a goddamn light

Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single

I feel seen

REASONS I’M NOT IN A BAND:

4. I don’t play any instruments
3. Band practice could affect my karate career
2. My karate rivals might hide inside our tour bus and sneak attack me as I relax
1. High risk of groupies falling in love with me and distracting me from my karate training

me: I want you to be you but also all mine

pizza: [cheesing seductively]

There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?

*shows buyers around my home*

This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really

*looks up from phone*

Great, I’m inside of a coffin again.

I have many caverns

Life’s too short to have your shit together.

toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*

i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers

Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?

Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down

but that was my emotional support daylight

me: that’s a cool tattoo
guy at dispensary with uzumaki spiral face girl tattoo: thanks! it’s from a manga, if you’re familiar with that
me: i am. it’s from uzumaki right? so good
guy at dispensary with uzumaki spiral face girl tattoo: yeah you should check it out sometime
me: ok

if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache

thanks, but I’M TOO FAR AWAY FOR YOU TO BE HOLDING THE DOOR OPEN FOR ME WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS STOP IT

We took the animals for a walk and saw a sign: ‘Dogging area, please control your animal and pick up their faces…’

went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward

Executioner : Due to the power-cut we’ll be using the acoustic chair.

me: hey can I read that recipe

internet: here’s a video of how to make it

me: can I just read it

internet: WATCH THE VIDEO

My 6yo just told me that because I need music to get motivated that makes me ‘radioactive’

Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.

My house looks amazing from the outside…as for the inside, its nothing that a decent fire wouldn’t fix

Locked in the target…STRIKE! 👀😏😂🐕

when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus

me: i want your honest opinion

friend: [gives honest opinion]

me: [nods… but also mentally drops them 5 spots in my friendship rankings]

Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room

Funny cuz it’s true! #WritingCommunity #Reading