Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kid has been home since March 2020 and I don’t know what this says about me as a parent but tbh I’m actually really going to miss him when he starts school again next week…now who is going to do laundry, feed the dog, and switch out the dishwasher?

perfume should come with instructions
like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse
points Do NOT marinade in event of
overdose take shower

Hand feeding garbage to my roomba when its battery is low

Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist

ME: [trying to console a friend whose house has been demolished] Cheer up, bulldozing is the sincerest form of flattery

The year is 2087. We finally have flying cars. Grey’s Anatomy has been on for 82 years.

My son said, “If you had to lose one sense, what would it be?” Without missing a beat, my daughter said taste. Which would have been fine had we not been eating the dinner that I made.

me: [tries to write “perfect”]

my phone’s swipe function: clearly you meant “prefect” since you often discuss student hierarchies in british boarding schools

Never understood why ghosts haunt old, dusty houses. If I was a ghost I’d haunt Hawaii or Bali

Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.

What’s the best registration plate you’ve seen?

Me: Magic 8-Ball, am I stupid?

Bowling Ball:

hey just a psa for no reason in particular but if you get too close to those wacky inflatable tube guys on a rainy day they can and will wetly slap you in the face. in front of people you were hoping to impress

it definitely didn’t happen to me of course in case you thought th

Getting schooled in Minecraft by a 6 year old. Looks like someone is about to find out Santa Claus isn’t real.

nothing turns on a necrophiliac detective like cold, hard evidence

WELCOME TO GYM.
[5gp] WOOD MUSCLE //
[10gp] LEATHER MUSCLE //
[50gp] IRON MUSCLE //
[100gp] WISTFUL MUSCLE //
[999gp] DESOLATION MUSCLE

I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.

The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.

Explained how to make an April Fools Day joke to Miss 9.

“Mummy, you look pretty today.”

If you’re on the fence about becoming a parent.

I blocked some guys and another guy said good job and I blocked him too.

My Ex is so mean she would train homing pigeons and then move away…

Twitter: hey, check out this picture of an Australian golfer accidentally hitting a kangaroo

Me: lol *like*

Twitter: so what I’m getting from this is you want your whole feed to be Australian golf news

Me: n-

Twitter: poor showing today from Sergio Clemsworth, hitting +2 at

My nephew said the cherries in my refrigerator had gone bad. They’re moonshine cherries, so yeah, they aren’t exactly choir boys.

We’ve got some pretty upscale, sophisticated people coming over tonight, so I’m putting out the classy spittoon.

My phone:

My phone:

My phone:

My phone:

My hands: holding anything messy.

My phone: *ring*

I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again

[inventing flies]

GOD: make them eat shit

ANGEL: got it

GOD: make their babies the grossest things in the world

ANGEL: ok who hurt you?

Never thought I’d be THAT person, but here I am, 40 years old, wondering why the hell my neighbor’s kid has friends over OUTSIDE at 10 pm on a school night. And you better believe I looked up the noise regulations in our area.

I went to the house I grew up in and asked if I could have a look around. They said no and slammed the door. My parents can be so freaking rude…

Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.