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Reminder:
Dear whoever chalks my final outline… A little off the belly would be much appreciated.
Happy Dhanteras. If you buy gold today, you’ll become rich tomorrow. Except for gold merchants. Who sell gold & become rich today only.
Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
If you’re happy and you know it…
Watch the news.
(job interview)
HR: And one of the many benefits we offer is a free gym membership. We really push healthy living.
Me: *stands up and leaves*
Quarantine log, Day 8:
Cat: I need you to run to the store for me.
Me: What for? You have plenty of food.
Cat: I got into the treats last night. I’m almost out.
Me:
Me: You can talk!
I let people think I take the stairs to be fit but really I’m just scared of elevators
If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules
Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”
If Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.
“You’ve got something in your teeth”
Me: that always happens when I have porcupine for lunch
Meow should be an acceptable answer to any question that can’t be answered with yes or no. For example:
-What’s your favorite colour?
-Meow
Now you’re thinking there isn’t such a colour, but you don’t know all colours, and new colours are born every day, so..
me: *kicking stirrups* go on now git
gynecologist: stop that
Sorry I fell in love when you did your flailing arms dance
Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.
Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.
I could be a masseuse, or I could just be pulling your leg.
Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death
Gladiator: Hell yeah
Madiator: well this is bullshit
A Clinton is running for POTUS, a Jurassic Park movie dominated the summer box office, and they found a knife on OJ’s property. It’s 1994.
This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.
I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.
Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face
Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?
Love when a cop car pulls up alongside of me and I start thinking of every bad thing I’ve ever done.
If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.
[first date]
I’m sorry, I fiddle when I get nervous
“That’s okay”
Yeah….
*jams out epic fiddle solo for the rest of the date*
My dancing style can best be described as “Guy On Maury Who Just Found Out He Isn’t The Father.”
8yo: *drawing family portrait*
Me: Hey, aren’t you forgetting someone?
8yo: Oh yeah. *draws Fortnight character*
*watching videos of people cooking in public bathrooms*
The CDC should absolutely have a prison