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I had 3 crackers, a ketchup packet, and a yogurt that said “Liz’s. Don’t Touch!” for lunch in case anyone wondered if tomorrow is payday.
Random person: How are you?
Me: you too.
I put in an order at a deli. The woman helping me had a name tag that said “Kate.” While she was getting my food, another employee bumped into her. I said “Be careful. She’s very Deli Kate.”
They stared at me like I’d grown a second head. Well I thought it was funny…
The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.
ME (wakes up from coma): whatve I missed
WIFE: Trump’s running for prez & the Cubs are favs to win the World Series
M: haha ok but srsly tho
Cop: why were you speeding
Me: Out of POLITENESS to the car behind me
*Stands at produce aisle
*Grabs GIANT zucchini
*Holds it high in the air
*Yells:
Is THIS cucumber big enough for you, honey?!?!?!
my ex was like “i know a spot” then took me to the lowest point in my life
me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
She: I like Cats
He:
Hedge fund CEO: I lost $3 billion, my company, my home, and now my wife
Me: Have you considered budgeting?
I won the local hot dog eating contest and didn’t even know I was competing.
“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook
“I’ll be back for you real soon” I whisper to the leftover lasagne
*on time travel bus* oh you’re going back to kill hitler? uh yeah totally, me too *pulls jacket over spice girls world tour ’98 t shirt*
[cruise]
Me: boats freak me out
Wife: listen to some music
M: how
W: there’s a band on ship
M: a what
W: a band on ship
M: *jumps overboard*
“john could tell that emily was getting tired of him narrating their date”
Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.
Cat: I am a MAJESTIC POWERFUL creature of the night
Me: I will call you Mr Fuzzypants
Me: How did my surgery go
Surgeon: I’m afraid this will be difficult for you to hear
Me:
Surgeon: I accidentally cut your ears off
Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.
If a guy says he’ll take you to pound town, ask for details about the puppies. I’m not taking that trip unless there’re puppies.
looks like the dishwasher has a nice side hustle going
It’s wild how many grown adults complain about being in debt. Like, it’s not hard. I have zero debt in my early 30s, all because I’ve worked since I was 16, I don’t spend money on things I don’t need, and my great great grandfather invented doors.
Seek respect, not attention. It lasts longer.
Me *has read one book all year*
Me *going on a trip for a week* better download 15 books
When a guy wearing cargo pants hits on me I’m tempted to go out with him just to see how many of my belongings I can fit into his pockets.
There’s 2 types of idiots in the world.
1. You
2. All the other idiots