Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.

Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.

keeping a picture of my bed in a locket around my neck and staring at it longingly on my lunch break

*I gently close front door

Dog: Where have you been?? I was worried sick about you! See that vomit on the floor? That’s because of you!

[having helped prep some pistachios while my wife spends two hours putting together the rest of the meal] How about those nuts, huh? You can really taste the deshelling

A load of falling lizards is called a blizzard, right??

Imguana see myself out

Governments easing mask restrictions but bad breath still out there knocking people dead

Fried potatoes
Mashed potatoes
Baked potatoes
Twice baked potatoes
Potato chips

-if Bubba grew up on a potato farm instead of a shrimp boat

grandma: more potatoes?

me: sure

*3 hours later*

grandma: *wiping sweat from her brow* more potatoes?

me: *locking eyes* sure

Why do people brag about how little sleep they get?

“Yeah I only get like 3 or 4 hours a night”

Cool man, I guess I’ll just… continue having a better life than yours

Me: I like reading funny jokes and watching cat videos

Twitter algorithm: Here’s someone getting run over by a car and people arguing about politics

Guy about to invent balloons:

I wish there was a CHILDREN’S toy ON a strangulation hazard that could EXPLODE and then become ANOTHER strangulation hazard!!

Assistant: Bro…things ok at home?

When we go back to in-person office meetings, I’m going to start out by soundlessly moving my lips until people yell at me, just for continuity.

I want to go to bed without cleaning the kitchen but I don’t want my mother to wake up in a panic 300 miles away.

Have never been roasted to the level as I have been today after asking my department full of tall Tinas if we had a step stool for the file room. They’re trying to find a booster seat on Facebook marketplace for my desk chair. It’s over. I’ll never recover from this.

Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.

If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.

I pronounce both Es in Ethan Hawke.

*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*

*calls to renew prescription*

The /r/ubiquiti subreddit has been going back and forth the last few days on who can make the shortest ethernet cable and it’s been seriously cracking me up.

Just know, if I’ve asked you at least 6 times nicely and then sang it as a song, the next time it’s coming out as an unhinged shout.

BRONTOSAURUS: Why don’t you wear that sweater I bought you?
T. REX: I don’t think I could pull it off

Cleaned out my kid’s backpack and found everything I’ve been missing since 1990

baby cows are called calves bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no more questions

[first day in hell]

hostess: welcome to hell. please take a seat

waiter: *pouring wine* your steak will be out shortly, sir

me: wow this isn’t so bad

group of waiters approaching in distance: happpppy bir-

Asked my gf to buy me a 2-pack of socks and she came back with these wtf

I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound

Please stop talking about the weather. I recorded this season of The Weather Channel but I haven’t watched it yet.

I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.

Wikigenius