Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the floor tonight with the cat.

uber driver picked me up “dodger stadium? you goin to the game?” i was like “nah” and we both sat there in silence for the whole ride, both knowing i had lied

Last night I slept for 8 hours straight, and then for 2 hours gay.

[pulled over]
Dog Cop: you ran a gray light
Dog Driver: but it was still gray when i went through the intersection
Dog Cop: no it was gray

A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”

sex work?? sure does. there’s over 7 billion of us.

Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.

Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being

Driving past a cop car with its lights on: Boys, the police are here. They heard about you!

My son whispers to his brother, “I was never here.”

You can tell a lot about a person
by his hot dog stand order

I knew the guy was a Buddhist when
he said “Make me one with everything”

Rappers: we gonna see you in the club! Get down in the club! Party in the club!

Me: ok cool can’t wait
[is too embarrassed to ask ‘but which club though’]

*walks up with my full head of mongooses*

Medusa: Let’s rock.

wife: I found a hypnotist who can fix our oldest sons disobedience & dandruff

me: [nodding] a good heir conditioner

Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.

My 6 year old just got back from visiting our elderly neighbor and said, “I told her we’d bring her some fresh baked cookies when they’re ready.” I informed her that we weren’t baking any cookies today and she said, “Oh, I guess we kinda have to now, don’t we?” Diabolical.

🤣🤣🤣🤣

Her: Have we been to that restaurant?

Me: hmm damn I’m not sure.

Her: It’s cute how you cross your arms when you’re thinking. Also, please put your hands on the steering wheel, you’re going 84.

I have keys on my keychain from the houses I used to live in just in case I’m hungry and in the area.

My 4yo just realized he could raise both his eyebrows at the same time

He now does it every time he makes eye contact with me and it looks like we are in cahoots orchestrating the most diabolical plan ever

Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III

“Red Hot Riding Hood” (1943)
A sequence so famous (or infamous, if you’re the censors) that it’s been replicated, homaged or outright ripped off in countless pieces of animation. The reaction shots of the Wolf are still as funny as they were 80 years ago.

“And why did you join our gym?”

▫️to stay healthy
▫️a friend recommended it
☑️I’ve seen myself naked

just saw the barbie movie and it’s fantastic! i won’t give away the entire ending, but she does kill osama bin laden.

[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me

Sorry I didn’t call you back, I got distracted for 7 years when I had kids

Yes, yes, everyone is stupid except you.

All I’m saying is if you don’t want me to walk into the women’s restroom put words not pictures on the doors…

You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.

Officer: It seems you have been drinking. Could you say the alphabet starting with the letter M?
No problem: Malphabet.

bird: I’m a bird. I have the ability to soar majestically over the mountains. I have a bird’s eye view of this beautiful planet and can see how wonderful it all is

me: and yet you choose to hang out in this McDonald’s parking lot

bird: did I mention I’m a seagull?