Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So my hinge date last night accidentally texted me this

WISE MAN #1: I brought gold for the babe
WISE MAN #2: frankincense
WISE MAN #3: myrrh
ME: *pulls out Chili’s gift card* I hate you guys

I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:

“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.

I always go swimming with a spoon in case I need to defend myself from a jellyfish.

Nobody invites me to spa day…

Just because I ate the cucumbers off everyone’s eyes and used their face cream as dip ONE time.

Walked by a restaurant where they were using iPads for menus. How cheap are iPads now? More importantly, how expensive are menus?

Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.

You sit there and think about what you’ve done

-Me, leaving dishes in the sink to soak overnight

9 called to ask how much bleach it takes to get purple ink out of carpet and because she’s so cute and at her dad’s I went with all of it!

[at the gym]

Trainer: “Why don’t you tell me what your workout goals are.”

Me: “Goals? I’m just here so I don’t eat for an hour.”

Me, a detective: I have a weird feeling in my gut about this guy.

My Mom: you just have to poop.

I am scared of asking people how old I look cause the idiots might guess correctly.

I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”

⭐️ LATEST SKETCH: The Met Police Investigate.

🎥 FULL SKETCH HERE:

Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.

boss: you’re late

me: sorry I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour

boss: did it work

me: no, I think I need better shoes

Yes, I sure did let my 3yo eat a popsicle at 7:53am so that I could drink my coffee in peace. It’s called self-care.

“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”

When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.

Leave a Post-It on your girlfriend’s birth control that says, “guess u don’t want 2 have my babies haha.”

Kids always throw their shoes as far apart as possible when they take them off, like you’ll find one on their bedroom floor and one on top of the fridge, it’s madness

The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.

He a real one for that

Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement

Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns

5-year-old: *spreads arms wide* I love you this much.

Me: Aw.

5: *spreads arms even wider* But I’d love you this much if we had a pool.

WELL OFFICER IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO SEE ME MASTURBATING YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE PULLED ME OVER

Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.

I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.