I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend

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A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.


If “The Breakfast Club” were filmed today, it would be a silent movie about 5 teens looking at their phones.


4: Mom can I have a snack?

Me: Yeah hang on

4: Did you mean yes?

Me: Oh shit I birthed my mother


In the very first line of the song, Pitbull claims he works very hard. He then rhymes “Kodak” with “Kodak.”


Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.


Turmeric is trending which will if nothing else, alert people to that first r in the spelling.


The most unrealistic thing about The Walking Dead is that a couple who had a kid after 2000 would’ve named it Carl.


MAYOR’S TIP: before you spend 20 minutes blowing an air mattress, make sure it’s really an air mattress, and not Gary hiding under a blanket


ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and


My kid sure is great at picking up Easter eggs for someone who suffers arm paralysis whenever I ask him to clean up his toys.