@YesItsAl

I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend

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@ericONEderful

A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.

@nv7281

If “The Breakfast Club” were filmed today, it would be a silent movie about 5 teens looking at their phones.

@mom_tho

4: Mom can I have a snack?

Me: Yeah hang on

4: Did you mean yes?

Me: Oh shit I birthed my mother

@porters

In the very first line of the song, Pitbull claims he works very hard. He then rhymes “Kodak” with “Kodak.”

@TheWeirdWorld

Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.

@cerberustic

Turmeric is trending which will if nothing else, alert people to that first r in the spelling.

@PeachCoffin

The most unrealistic thing about The Walking Dead is that a couple who had a kid after 2000 would’ve named it Carl.

@punmagnate

MAYOR’S TIP: before you spend 20 minutes blowing an air mattress, make sure it’s really an air mattress, and not Gary hiding under a blanket

@Holy_Mowgli

ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and

@mommy_cusses

My kid sure is great at picking up Easter eggs for someone who suffers arm paralysis whenever I ask him to clean up his toys.