I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend
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My OnlyFans would be me editing your papers before you submit them.
OnlyFANS = Only Flawless Apostrophes ‘N Spelling
remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza
I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.
Son: Thanks for the dating advice
Her: HE gave you dating advice?
Me: Hey! I know a thing or two about women
Her: Name one
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: Well?
Me: Give me a minute
FRIEND: Jack is sleeping, what should we do to him?
TYLER: Shaving cream.
MARK: Shaving cream.
ME: Pay off his student loans.
[they all look at me]
ME: I mean shave him.
Police officer: Have you had anything to drink?
Me:No
PO:Ok, blow into here
Me:But there are no candles
PO:Ma’am please get out of the car
A 6′-6″ guy doesn’t scare me, but my 5′-1″ wife does, if you were looking for inspiration to get married.
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.
I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.
Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days
i put my exercise bike together, no spare parts, i am absolutely drunk on testosterone, i’ll never need another map.
Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi
Chameleon: hold on.
[training the new person at work]
Them: so you do this everyday?
Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes
[Mon]
Boss: Let’s talk about your clothes
Adam: But it’s my best leaf
B: You need officewear
A: Understood[Tues]
B: Is that a sticky note?
MOM: Your father was abducted by aliens last night.
ME: [about to adjust thermostat] Oh no.
[meanwhile in ufo]
ALIEN: What do you mean we have to turn around?
DAD: Somethings wrong I can’t explain it.
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state-of-the-art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
“Where’s the pizza?”
“What pizza?”
“Sicilian, extra cheese.”
“Haven’t seen it.”
“The app says it was delivered.”
“Look, I don’t know what to tell you.”
? 💀
“Whoa nice car”
Thanks. I dropped 40K on a new set of wheels
[whispers to friend] “What kind of idiot spends $40,000 on tires”
Woman: I love a man with an accent
Mán: Well hello there
Can’t figure out why my allergies are so bad. I changed my med regimen, listened to my doctor’s advice, took my extra meds, bathed, rubbed my face on each of my four cats…
What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?
I refuse to lose another rap battle!
A chihuahua is just a barking cat.
Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done
@ candidates for local office
Each second of this is more amazing than the last
I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
I can always tell when it’s closer to Christmas. My wife replaces the hand soap with the stuff that smells like gingerbread and I spend a week looking for cookies that haven’t been made yet
My boss want to sign us up for a 401k. No way I’m running that far.