Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly eggrolls.

this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W

Just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.

Will keep you posted.

Me: Do you ever get the feeling that people are laughing at you behind your back?

My husband: Not really

Me: You’re not very perceptive

paparazzi followed me 2 a shoot so I tried 2 think what I could do that would yield the most onion-ish possible headline and it worked haha

Your eyes may say yes, but your eyebrows are screaming “I will boil your bunny the minute you ignore me!”

A lot of guys hate it when I put both my hands on their shoulders and ask if everything is all right.

The guy at the urinal next to me seems particularly upset.

I would never be comfortable delivering a baby. I can’t even remove an avocado pit without dropping it.

I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.

Getting all my homies to like my enemies bad tweets so they’re socially conditioned to tweet worse

When my wife says “oh hi it’s nice to meet you” to my coworkers it’s code for I know all the jerk things you’ve done

You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?

Kids be like. “Nice bathroom mirror. It would be a shame if I spat toothpaste all over it”

If you’re depressed, start exercising.

You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.

Him: What gets you hot, baby?
Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent.
H: Zoinks, like, there’s a ghost! Let’s get out of here Scoob!

M: *swoons*

[zoo]
ME: Haha…this one’s face!
WIFE: Tha-
M [bangs on glass]
W: Stop it
M [pulls funny face]
W [elbows me aside] So sorry, 2 tickets pls

I followed you because you’re hot

-Mosquitoes

ME: Why can’t I sleep?
CUP OF COFFEE FROM 4 PM: I’ve put together a list of everyone who might be mad at you.

please stand back I’m about to make this worse

[At maternity ward]
Me: is this where babies are delivered
Nurse: Yes
Me: You ought to be ashamed. Babies need their livers

Courageously battles through my ice cream headache

Whoever invented the spoon caused quite a stir.

Now this is my first time cooking poisonous blowfish, so go easy on me.

My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea

[invention of Moist Towelette]

So, we’ve got a product that everyone will use, now let’s give it a name nobody wants to say

Shout out to that lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo

[on a first date]

Me: So do you like puppies?

Her: Oh I love them

Me: Ok, so we’ll both have the puppies

Waiter: Excellent choice, sir

“Please use handrail. Or you know what? Go on, break your neck because you didn’t use the handrail just to spite me.”

-if my mom had been the recorded voice at the airport

Literally all I do as a librarian:

It’s asking for your password.
No, your password.
Not your library card.
Just type your password.
Not in the browser address bar.
Your password.
Your password.
No, I don’t know your password.
You’re right it’s probably our computer’s fault.

My kids were complaining they couldn’t find a tv programme to watch so I told them how little choice there was when I was a kid and 5 rolled her eyes and said “things have changed in the last 100 years mummy” and went back to scrolling