I’d like to criticize your fidget spinner but I used to own a pet rock.
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1985: “I hope we’ll have flying cars in the future!”
2017: “I just used the flashlight on my cell phone to look for spiders under my bed.”
I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”
ethics professor: ur failing my class
me: [slides over $20] how about now
I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing…
Do the things that bring you joy. Bake cookies. Take walks along the beach at sunset. Drink the blood of your enemies as part of an ancient incantation that opens a portal to the Underworld. Sing like no one can hear you.
Relationship or hallucination? Either way, I’m seeing somebody.
Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere
The 11th commandment was, “Talk shit, get hit” but God totally didn’t have enough room on those stone things, so, like, yeah.
Isn’t it ironic that all of Alanis Morissette’s friends knew her song had nothing to do with irony but, being Canadian, were too polite to tell her.
I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.
No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.
Never had a gay thought in my life but when Daniel Craig jumps onto the back of the train & adjusts his cuff I now kind of get it.
Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 👌🏼
My best friend just sent me a picture she saw on Facebook and I was all like,”is this the new school board?” And she was like, “um, isn’t that your son and the mock trial team?”
Anyway, I’m a REALLY GREAT mom.
My neighbor said he heard me having sex today but it was just me standing in front of my air conditioner.
In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.
Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.
*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.
There’s a guy in this Taco Bell bathroom stall so loud I’m not sure if it’s performance art or a solstice goat sacrifice.
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
I can tell by the dents & busted tail light on your car you are serious about making this lane change work for you come Hell or high water.
I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too
Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group
If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.
I thought that I heard you laughing.
I thought that I heard you sing.
I think I thought I saw you try to parallel park for twenty minutes.
Me: I’ll have a scotch on the rocks with a twist
Bartender slides drink
“Your dad’s alive. He’s hiding in Cuba”M: Did NOT see that coming
How to cure a headache
1. Drink a glass of water.
2. Take 10 deep breathes.
3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.
You know how I know society sets us up to fail?
Roombas only work if your house is already clean.