Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You know what’s going to happen and it’s still funny every time 😂

Unscramble: pnise

If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.

The bad thing about subtweets is you can never be sure the recipient received it. That’s why it’s better to shoot them.

being too stressed isn’t good for the baby.

i’m not pregnant though, its just that i’m the baby

Caesar: friends, Romans countryman lend me your ear…
[2 days later]
*Caesar opens mailbox*
“oh FFS Van Gogh IT’S A SAYING!!!!!’

One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.

support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas

Walking down the road last night, I passed an apple pie, an ice cream sundae, and a lemon cheesecake.

I thought: “the streets are strangely desserted tonight”.

“What if Waldo finds me first?” I ask naively. Grandma closes the book; the blood drains from her face. “Don’t let that happen,” she warns.

“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers

I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.

If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like “whatever this person seems exhausting.”

I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.

We’re talking about food, right?

ME, my last day as a doctor: Sir, your sugar is dangerously high. You need to eat less… *checking the notes on my hand*… crabs.

Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.

once I posted “it’s funny how ‘the Hague’ is like the only city that randomly decided to give itself a definite article” and everyone was like “don’t you live in Los Angeles”

Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.

“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football

You wouldn’t believe the number of times I’ve narrowly escaped death as an agent of a covert, black ops squadron. But my nephews would, and that’s why I’m looking forward to Thanksgiving.

You can walk a mile in sweat pants and have no problem. As soon as you have bags of groceries in each hand they’re around your ankles.

Applicant: I pride myself on my honesty, integrity, and being a decent human being.

Car sales manager: I’m sorry but you’re over qualified

The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in

Stop = Hammer time
Full stop = Grammar time

*scoops litter everyday for 17 yrs*

Kids: We want a kitten!

Me: How about unlimited candy, an Xbox and a PS5 instead?

I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.

[Commercial for X-Games]

Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?

Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.

Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.

You can’t trust the mainstream media, that’s why I get all my news from the giant in my dreams

[koolaid man typing into webmd]
My pee is red.