Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: When I told you the chicken was good, I lied.
Me: That’s okay. I lied when I said it was chicken.

My ex says he’s dating someone new but according to his Instagram she’s a sandwich

I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.

That feeling when he says you look angelic but you don’t know if he means you look really pretty or if you have an abnormally high number of eyeballs.

One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.

Nevada be like, omg I think I like him… so how many days should I wait before I call him? Is it 3 days? Cause I think it’s 3 days.

you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and

shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.

so you jump to death from the check-out desk.

They say the customer is always right but the Chevy Dealer still won’t sell me a Transformer

Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.

5: mummy I want to hug you forever *walks off to kitchen*
Me: I thought you wanted to hug me forever
5: yeah now I want cheese

[showing new guy around office]

Me: Watch out for that guy, he has a short fuse, haha.

New guy: He said the same about you, haha.

Me: *throws coffee mug at wall* HE NEEDS TO SHUT HIS STUPID MOUTH!

Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.

Me, watching Stranger Things: these scientists, these fools, play not a god who rends our world in twain.

Me, in real life, if scientists discovered a portal to another dimension: *slamming fists on table* OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT

When you go on vacation because your significant other wants to and you want to avoid a fight.

Placation.

[home depot]

employee[yelling]: YOU CAN’T DO THAT IN HERE

me: [yelling over the sound of revving chainsaw]: WHAT

If you think one of my tweets is about you, it isn’t. Except this one.

[murder occurs]
ME: how terrible. why can’t we love each other

[someone slightly inconveniences me]
ME: I will execute your entire family

Her: Do you have any fantasies?

Me: Probably a ham sandwich that’s a metre long

Her: No I meant like hot ones

Me: Oh yeah I’d toast the bread

[I’m the Director of the Pentagon but that kid Skyler from down the street won’t stop bullying me]
ME: *sobbing* stop! stop it!
SKYLER: *using my hands to tap on missile control panels* quit nuking yerself! quit nuking yerself! ahaha

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Tyrannosaurus rex: *Sighs… *Changes channel

Fact: The best tuna fish salad recipe is the combination of ingredients that best covers up the taste of the tuna.

My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.

This cashier is a moron

-Me at self checkout

“meet the 25 year old entrepreneur who is making tens of thousands a month” i dont want to do that. i want to hear about all of the people who are doing worse than me. i want to meet the 40 year old with no friends or prospects who is currently engulfed in flames

A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.

I wish I loved anything as much as the previous owners of our house loved using a label maker

All I’m saying is the babysitters club made me think taking care of kids would be a lot more fun

Lady in the park:

Your baby is dressed beautifully what’s the occasion

Me: she’s about to go into the next size so I’m making t sure she’s worn things at least once 😂

shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?

Medusa: absolutely not

Today my friend who cuts my hair told me last year my husband walked in to the salon one afternoon and said “I want to dye my hair blonde but I don’t want to look like I’m going through a personal crisis. Do you think we can accomplish that?”