i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon
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Me: *sniffing* so hell smells like pizza…
Satan: *nodding*
Me: but just to remind me that I’ll never eat pizza again…?
Satan: *beaming* isn’t it just so evil??
Me: (through tears) so creative
Just explained the Higgs boson to my friend even tho I don’t understand it. He was very convinced. I bet this is how religions get started.
Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌:-for the notifications to go away✅
I’m supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?
Fell on the stairs and I’m happy to report that my dog immediately came to rescue… the empty can of cat food in my hand.
me: fancy a movie?
them: what do you have in mind?
me: “500 Days of Summer” maybe?
them: what’s it about?
me: August 2020
I know it’s traditional to start work at 9, but I think we could lower that age to 8.
Me: I was watching Sixth Sense when my house got burgled
Cop: Ok tell me everything that happened
[10 mins later]
Cop: holy shit he was dead the whole time?!
The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it
[bank heist]
leader: ok everyone put on your balaclavas
me: *looks down at box of freshly baked baklava* i think i’ve made a mistake
American Horror Story: Public Restroom
I don’t understand wishing dead celebrities happy birthday. Shoutout to Mary Queen of Scots, who would be 577 today.
Toured a marmalade factory today. That was jarring
A couple years ago, I met with a founder who asked me what my thoughts were about starting a company in the credit card space. I told him it was a terrible idea.
Today, his company is growing like crazy and makes millions of dollars every year.
Lesson: Do not ask me for advice
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
Live your life so that a group of nuns sings a whole song about trying to solve a problem like you
BABY FROZEN STEAK: mommy is he coming back
MOM STEAK: no honey—get some sleep
[rocky walks into the freezer]
ROCKY: time to punch some meats
There’s plenty of fish in the sea except when you’re fishing, or single.
When you want your ball, but you don’t want to get wet
🎾💧💦
“hey what’s that sqiggly thing on the ground?”
“i don’t know, it looks kinda like a w or m”— how the worm got its name
😂😂😂
My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣
“So what do you do?”
I’m a wordsmith
“A what?”
A writer. I deal with words. How about you?
“Oh I’m a uh… weedsmith”
“We should get tickets,” is as close to a rock concert as I get these days.
I saved $38 by moving the fish tank in front of the TV during “Ellen” and telling my kids it was Finding Dory.
me: looking for a dining table to enhance the ✨aesthetic👄 of my apartment
also me: egge?? 😮
[baker’s school admissions test] what number comes after 11
Every time my niece says OK BOOMER I say OK NO PROM
and she cries and I win.
