i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon
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*writes ‘amount to something’ on bucket list*
*crosses it out*
*writes ‘mount something’*Yeah. That’s do-able.
sorry im late, i photoshoped myself as every member of Slayer
MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point
Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.
First child: Eats yogurt.
Second child: Smears yogurt all over face, finger paints with yogurt on table, and gives the dog a moisturizing yogurt mask.
Happy Earth Day. You don’t look a day over 4,400,000,000 and get hotter every year.
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
If you haven’t manipulated your kids into calling grandma to ask to sleep over, you’re missing out on a crucial parenting hack.
I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.
This is I, Robot all over again
Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?
Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome
My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.
Someone asked where I’m from and I said Wisconsin. She got excited, “Like That ’70s Show!” and I clarified, “More like Making a Murderer.”
It’s my mom’s personal mission in life to save me 20% on all my purchases by clipping out and giving me every coupon known to mankind.
I know how to make her bite her lip, arch her back and curl her toes
Legos on the floor by her side of the bed
“Don’t take this wrong but…”
Me: Ima stop you right there. I hate you just the right amount.
Please don’t ruin it.
When I told my 12 year old that I’d be back in 1 hour and was 15 mins late:
Him: Where were you, I was worried!
Me: I had to make an extra stop, you could have texted me.
Him: YOU SAID 1 HR!
ME: Sorry……dad?
Sloth is a deadly sin and an animal.
How come we don’t have animals named after the other deadly sins?
the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
Him: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Usually.
My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.
4: “Can I say fuh?”
Me: “Don’t…”
4: “Can I say king?!”
Me: “NoooOOOOOOO!”
[asteroid destroys earth]
God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that
The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.
How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste
it’s crazy you can’t just go to prison. if you want to get in there, you have to rob a gas station there’s no other way
Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remainingLaptop after 20mins
me: *after aceing my finals* that was easier than giving candy to a baby
them: don’t you mean taking candy from a baby
me: why would I take candy from a baby, you monster
Who else does this 🤦🏽😂
-911 Whats the emergency?
My wife is suffocating me
-Literally or figuratively sir?
Well thats a stupid question. How would I be talking?