i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon
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reminder
When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers
“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”
*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*
Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.
HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?
ME: i love love actually actually
Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.
Scream sneezers need love too.
Garfield: I hate Mondays
Therapist: You don’t even have a job
The paper defeats rock explanation that the paper will wrap around the rock has always been lame. The rock is just as dangerous with paper wrapped around it; it is not defeated.
Cooking hack: Fake your own death. Someone else will cook.
Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.
I didn’t see San Andreas because I heard there’s not a scene where a therapist tells the seismologist, “It’s not your fault.”
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself round youHer(flirting): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you were in the restroom
Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.
“Welcome to money management. Have you all paid your $200 entrance fee?”
“Yes”
“Excellent, never give money to strangers. Class dismissed”
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
“Ladies, calm down. Girlfriend, wife, whatever. The important thing is that between the 2 of you, you brought enough to post my bail”
Whenever a guy boasts he has a party in his pants, I always ask him to prove it.
If he’s not packin nachos, beer and M&Ms, I’m going home.
[hospital]
Looks like ur Vine went viral.
“Yay!”
Sorry ur VEIN went viral…you have a fatal blood disease.
“So wait–my Vine didn’t go viral?”
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
Date night with me is like a game of Chess: I start off making the right moves, but by the end of it, I’m needlessly sacrificing bishops
My wife gives me the speaking treatment.
Therapist: What can you do when your husband rubs you the wrong way?
M: ask him to use his other hand
Therapist: Let me rephrase…
I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.
Ape together strong
Therapist: Do u ever feel like hurting yourself
Me: No
T: What about other people
Me:……………………………………………..No
First woman that gave birth to twins was prolly like “????????”
lawyer: be careful – now that you’ve won the lottery, you’re suddenly going to have a lot of new friends who want-
me: omg i’m gonna have friends?!
[at job interview]
It says here that you are very hands on.
Yes, sir, I am.
Can you give me an example of this?
*gently caresses his face*
Love is in the air fryer.