I’d like to do more voiceover work if anybody’s got a lead or anything. I sound like a freaky guy and am famous for accepting payment.
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No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom
I have no idea what settings my 1-year-old changed, but she hit random buttons on my keyboard and now I’m a licensed realtor in Pakistan.
“My wife’s just made me breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.
Saw a guy riding a unicycle today. Actually, he was riding a bicycle but I didn’t see him & I hit him with my car. Then boom! Unicycle.
Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded
Person: Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.
Me: I understand.
*I spend the rest of my life biting the hands of everyone who hasn’t fed me*
“Your dad and I are leaving for dinner now.”
Two seconds later:
I used to watch the Olympics on TV as a child and dream of growing up and also watching the Olympics on TV but on a better TV.
This morning at 4am, I was so tired – I nearly brought an aubergine with me instead of my sunglasses
doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you
[me sneaking to the bathroom at night to check twitter]
Wife: what are you doing?
Me [looking around for excuse] just…changing my tampon
We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.
WB: We want you to play the Penguin.
Colin Farrell: OK.
WB: But you’ll have to wear a ton of uncomfortable prosthetics for long periods of time.
Farrell: Sure.*3 years later*
Farrell: I didn’t sign up for this.
I told my bf if he keeps forgetting to say “bless you” when I sneeze I’m going to just go ahead and let that old lady, nagging demon in.
He said “so what would be the difference?”
If anyone asks, you haven’t seen him in two weeks either.
Oh, you think your kid is cool? My kid just named his new stuffies Ghost and Bones.
not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can’t we
[speed dating]
Her: I’m a little bit country.
Me: I’m a little bit ready for the next person.
Murderer: Which of the three of you to kill – it’s quite the dilemma
Me: Technically that’s a trilemma
Murderer: OK now it’s easy
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: why is my neck so long?
God: it’s the only way you could reach the top of the trees.
Giraffe: that makes perfect sense!
[monkey climbs a nearby tree]
Giraffe:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue
I’ll be deep frying something later on, because Sunday is the lard’s day.
[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half
Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs
Just found empty bags of goldfish and Cheetos under my girls’ bunk bed and I told them I was disappointed that this was the best hiding place they could come up with.
My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.
1st toddler: Here is a book you can look at.
2nd toddler: Here is a toy you can play with.
3rd toddler: Here is something you can break.
My dog and I are just drivin around, listenin to music and OMG DOG DO YOU EVEN HAVE A LICENSE? PAWS AT 10 AND 2. DO NOT FOLLOW THAT SQUIRREL
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…