Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I told my five-year-old she’s due for a performance review and she ignored me. That’s definitely going in the review.

[product pitch meeting]

BOSS: ok what have you come up with

ME: a turbo walker for seniors

BOSS: but how would their legs even keep up

ME [proudly]: with these roller skates

I’ll start the new year off with my favorite joke from 3rd grade:

Why do gorillas have such big nostrils?

Because they have such big fingers.

Happy New Years, friends. Let’s try to make it to the next one too…

Wife: Can you make the bed

Me, a failed carpenter: Ok that’s low, Sharon

Me on Masterchef: Ive made a roasted pork kebab breaded with buttermilk cornbread and served with a tomato reduction
Them: This is a corndog

Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.

My trainer says not to drink beer bc it makes you fat.

So tonight I’ve had a six pack of red wine.

Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho.

You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.

Here’s a conspiracy theory, your parents conspired to create an idiot

mario: I hate you

wario: and I hate you

mario:

wario:

mario: do you wanna play tennis

wario: lmao hell yeah

Where I work customers love that we take credit cards, it doesn’t become complicated until I buy myself tickets to Fiji.

Whenever I’m on a flight and a bald person sits next to me, it takes a ton of willpower not to draw on their head when they are sleep.

parties in 2004: I hope I don’t get drunk and tell mindy I like her
parties in 2017: I hope this beer company doesn’t support genocide

Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.

I don’t understand the concept of “the man of your dreams”.

Every time my wife wakes up after dreaming about me, she is REALLY pissed off about something dream me did

Twitter is like a soap opera for some of you.

I’d like to be the one who sneaks into the hospital and unplugs your life support.

Saw a sign that read “Free Coupons”.

What I want to know is what kind of terrorist would hold coupons captive in the first place?

Well it’s now clear to me that this crime scene would be considered, what? Pants required? Pants preferred?

Hey, is that guy dead?

“sup shorty” – a giraffe, probably

If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.

I wonder what the rest of this day has in store because I just spent 30 seconds looking for my car keys while sitting in my car with the engine running.

plotting how to eat every deviled egg on thanksgiving without anybody noticing

I’m gonna date the first guy to come out of this “Free STD Screenings!” van.

#goodplan

5yo: dad, do you control your emotions or do your emotions control you?

Me: come on man it‘s the weekend

True story:

I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.

PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.

They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.

Current situation: laying in bed trying to manifest breakfast

after you pay a bill, the website is like “would you like to make another payment?” and it’s like? um no dude. no, i don’t want to do that. like sorry do you think we’re buddies? “hang out awhile, maybe pay another bill” no dude. we do NOT have that kinda relationship man sorry

A 22 year old girl said to me “there’s NO WAY you are 41”

I put her in my pocket and took her home.

She’s mine now.