Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

6-year-old: I’m not cleaning my room.

Me: I don’t like your tone.

6: What does “tone” mean?

Me: I don’t like your voice.

6: *weird Kermit the Frog voice* I’m not cleaning my room.

We just joined a gym and they asked me to pick a 4 digit member number and I opened my mouth and my husband said, “I stg if you use your bank pin.”

I was, in fact, going to use my bank pin💀

I’m having stuff I ordered delivered to an Amazon hub for pickup, but I didn’t realize you have to give them your Amazon username. So, I’m going to have to walk in and say, “Picking up a package for Lamont Sanford’s Friend Rollo.”

Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian

“Aww, what a nice name”

It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name

“What is it?”

Theskywithdiamonds

Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game

Me: I thought you said you were taking these boxes to the garage

My Husband: Yeah, at some point

Our 7 YO, from the other room: That means she wants you to do it now!

The lost art of being “wishy washy.”

Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.

I had to lay down on my bed to zip up my jeans this morning so I’m calling in thick today

[Calling a guy for the 1st time]

Him: Hello

Me: Helloooooo!!! *in Mrs. Doubtfire’s voice*

*panics, hangs up*

aruba, jamaica / oooh, i wanna take ya
atlanta, las vegas/ uhhh that’s lots of places
vienna, then florence/ baaabe i can’t afford this

As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.

I just screenshot my blue check and made it my banner. That was easy. And free 😂

When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician

Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.

~What is your sin, child?

My husband and I are arguing

~That’s very common.

…about my boyfriend.

When you get a 3D printer, don’t mess around. Go straight to printing money.

A five year old girl is headed to
the National Spelling Bee finals.

And I just had to use autocorrect
to spell “embarrassed”

I’m so emb-

No one wants to publish my erratic fiction.

cop: where were u between 7 and 8

me: third grade? idk

Spotted the tiniest of cows perched on a fence post today.

Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.

Of course I get paid to be a mom. I do all the laundry and sometimes I find a dollar in a pocket and that’s mine now

Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.

My insurance guys slogan is I’m Zach and I’ve got your back… good thing his name wasn’t Rick

[lights 2016 calendar on fire]

There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.

[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]

PENSIVE MAN: the most terrifying enemy we face is the fear within
PERSON WHO NARROWLY SURVIVED A GRIZZLY ATTACK: or a bear

What are you talking about? My wife hates when I make her laugh. She said what attracted her to me was my complete lack of humor and total inability to have fun.

Why soy sad?

Jehovah’s Witness: Hello, sir. Have you given any thought to the afterlife?

Me: Depends. Are you gonna be there?

Jehovah’s Witness: Why yes-

Me: *slams door*