i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass
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Her: Why did you text me “High Fructose Corn Syrup?”
Me: I think you’re sweet…
Her: …Awwww…
Me: …and will eventually kill me.
My favorite part of my husband working from home is that our 6YO critiques all his conference calls.
“I think you should say ‘don’t get me wrong’ instead of ‘let me be clear’ next time daddy, it just sounds better.”
i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither
I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.
Ralph thought she had a nerve to scream when she was the one trying to pee on him.
I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it.
Ambivalence is me knowing that I gotta fit into this bridesmaid’s dress but also that these ice cream flavors mix really well together.
When a conversation gets awkward, distract the person by casually kicking a rock. Unless that rock is a poop. And you wore stilettos. And the poop sticks to the end like a skewered turd. And you’ve made it awkward. Now you have something to talk about.
Her, 6: I have a secret
Me: What is it?
Her: I’m not gonna tell you… but it’s about a marker
Me: Oh no
Her: yeeeah
Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.
*lifts 10 pound weight*
Nice.
*adds “salmon” to list of animals I could protect a woman from*
People love Count Chocula and Frankenberry, but I can’t get anyone to try Night of the Lemon Dead or Texas Chainsaw Massacrunch.
Parents to our kids: Honesty is the best policy.
Also parents to our kids: Pretend you’re sick and don’t tell anyone I held the thermometer to the lightbulb to get us out of this party.
[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules
me at 20: i’ll do anything.
me at 46: this drive thru has too tight of a turn radius.
Coworker: can I talk to you about your Twitter
Me, hand on the fire alarm:
Coworker: I think you’re funny
Me, removing hand from fire alarm: yes
I saw death today, in the face of the man at the next table, as I heard his wife say “I don’t know, do you THINK I look fat?”
911: Sir, I understand you think it did it against your will and was aggressive but we can’t arrest an auto flush toilet.
Me: I WASNT READY
anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?
If you give him the silent treatment, he wins. Instead, voice every single thought that pops into your head until he kills himself.
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
Baby detective: These stab wounds here, they-
*coroner covers the body with a sheet*
Baby: OH MY GOD. THE BODY! ITS GONE! WHERE DID IT GO
It’s uncool to be religious. It’s uncool to be atheist. If someone asks what you believe in just say Beyoncé. It’s the only way to be safe.
🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor
Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues
Him: Are you perioding?
Me: Are you deathwishing?
Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.
me: I miss handshakes
cannibal: have mine I’m not thirsty
Why — WHY — in the year 2021 is there not a button on every TV that pings the remote and makes it play a sound so you can find it??
New Year’s Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years