@LizerReal

i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass

You Might Also Like

@SocialOutcast82

Me: Alexa, will you be my Valentine?

Alexa, robotically: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

@badbanana

URGENT! IF MY BOSS ASKS YOU IF IT’S REALLY “NATIONAL THROW YOUR COFFEE AT YOUR BOSS DAY” PLEASE SAY YES.

@SortaBad

Mario: hey u up?
Princess: yeah y?
M: come over 😉
P: can’t. Kidnapped 🙁
M: Where? I’ll save u
P: castle. Up stairs, next 2 flagpole
M: k

@shatterpants

When I go to Subway I always bring a pair of pants that are 10 times to big for me and high five all the workers.

@GringoBrulee

Come here you little vixen and let me take off your top.

-me to my beer.

@Dis0beyJay

*First Date*
Friend: Women like a little rebellion in a guy
Me:Ok
*Later*
Her: So, tell me about your day?
Me: I don’t have to tell you shit

@pleatedjeans

[approaches outdoor cafe holding balloon w/face drawn on it]
Hello table for two ple- [large gust carries balloon away] OH NO MY WIFE

@HereComesCunty

My kid wants to be a surgeon, caught her practicing on mummy. I was a bit concerned when she finished the operation and said “and now we’ll cut off another toe, for fun!” but they’ll work that out at medical school right?

@rexatrad

I went in to a pet shop. I said, “I would like to buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?”

I said, “I don’t care what astrological sign it is.”

@noog

“911 what’s ur emergency”
This guy’s not breathing
“Did u send him ur vibes?”
Yes I been sending em
“I’m sending some too”
Okay he good now