Me: Alexa, will you be my Valentine?
Alexa, robotically: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass
You Might Also Like
URGENT! IF MY BOSS ASKS YOU IF IT’S REALLY “NATIONAL THROW YOUR COFFEE AT YOUR BOSS DAY” PLEASE SAY YES.
Mario: hey u up?
Princess: yeah y?
M: come over 😉
P: can’t. Kidnapped 🙁
M: Where? I’ll save u
P: castle. Up stairs, next 2 flagpole
When I go to Subway I always bring a pair of pants that are 10 times to big for me and high five all the workers.
Come here you little vixen and let me take off your top.
-me to my beer.
Friend: Women like a little rebellion in a guy
Her: So, tell me about your day?
Me: I don’t have to tell you shit
[approaches outdoor cafe holding balloon w/face drawn on it]
Hello table for two ple- [large gust carries balloon away] OH NO MY WIFE
My kid wants to be a surgeon, caught her practicing on mummy. I was a bit concerned when she finished the operation and said “and now we’ll cut off another toe, for fun!” but they’ll work that out at medical school right?
I went in to a pet shop. I said, “I would like to buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?”
I said, “I don’t care what astrological sign it is.”
“911 what’s ur emergency”
This guy’s not breathing
“Did u send him ur vibes?”
Yes I been sending em
“I’m sending some too”
Okay he good now