I’d like to formally apologize to everyone I’ve ever mocked for leaving their holiday lights up all year. You were visionaries, and I am now your disciple.
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They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point
“Can I have a pound of onions please.”
“Sorry sir, it’s kilos these days.”
“oh, ok, can I have a pound of kilos please.”
my one true gender
I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.
I will always be there for you, like a long term side effect.
If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur
Thinking about having bacon and bacon for dinner.
911: Ma’am the emails are coming from your garden! Get out of the yard now!! A botanist is on the way!
Spinach: *laughs maniacally*
In the original ancient Greek Olympic games, many of the athletes competed naked. It made the trampoline a lot of fun, the men’s hurdles not so much.
THE INVENTOR OF HAND SANITIZER: who’s the paranoid one now huh, WHO’S THE PARANOID ONE NOW
calling in to work dehydrated
I just signed up for a gym membership and sprained my wrist
Nobody runs faster than a parent who suddenly realizes those kids have been playing silently for way too long.
The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.
ME: revise my plea? Why?
JUDGE: read it back
RECORDER: defendant said “cauliflower is just white broccoli”
ME: *lips on mic* I stand by that
One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.
If at first you don’t succeed, it’s called ‘Attempted’ Murder.
Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash
Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door
When you’re Kinky but poor
Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.
Them: What are you wearing?
Me: A T-shirt depicting a cat dressed up as a cowboy riding a shark that’s shooting lasers through the sky. Oh and cat. There’s enough cat hair on me to be wearing at least 1 actual cat.
My son almost missed his plane because he thought his seat number was the gate number.
The same kid they said was *gifted* when he was four.
Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home
When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk
I don’t like Tinder. I’m always having to check Urban Dictionary to find out what these 25-30 year olds want to do with me
My favorite part about Black Friday is the part where I go to the mall, find a great parking spot & sit in my car with the reverse lights on
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
my husband, who did not grow up with dogs, just came to me very worried because the dog is not eating her food, but is begging for his, so “something must be wrong with her food, she’s clearly hungry but only wants mine”
how about a movie where an old man teaches a kid karate with the ulterior motive for him to one day win a car waxing contest