I’d like to formally apologize to everyone I’ve ever mocked for leaving their holiday lights up all year. You were visionaries, and I am now your disciple.
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Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay*goes to bed
My husband doesn’t understand why I don’t just lock the door if I want to go to the bathroom alone, so next time he goes to poop I’m going to bang on the door and scream the whole time.
Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋
When finishing a job interview, make sure you are a memorable candidate by shaking their hand firmly and using your grasp to pull them in tightly for an optimal tango position
why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics
people misspelling definitely as defiantly is one of my pet hates however I do like seeing a status like “defiantly getting a chinese tonight” and imagining someone booting down the door of peking garden.
Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.
My only stock options are chicken and beef.
[1st date]
Me: I’ve got crabs
[date leaves]
[back home looking at my fish tank]
“It’s all right guys, one day I’ll find one who’ll like you”
Tacos are NOT a good pre yoga snack.
I know this now.
this is the best day of my life
FYI to my fellow attorneys: If you ask someone if they can pass a drug test, and the person replies, “What KIND of drug test?”…the answer is NO, THAT PERSON CAN’T PASS A DRUG TEST.
as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.
If you send a “u up” text late enough, it becomes a sweet “good morning” text
Billy Joel: You may be right, I may be crazy! But it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for…
Billy Joel’s 3 ex-wives: Yeah. Nope.
my 4-year-old was staring at me and said he was scared of “all the weird red lines” on my eyeballs and now i’m trying to decide whether or not to tell him that he and his brother are responsible for my lack of sleep, aka weird red eyeballs
* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”
never leave a toddler alone in a room with your burritos
Dreams at each age:
15: one day I’ll find great love.
20: one day I’ll become a great person.
25: one day I’ll make the world great.
35: one day I’ll throw out all my Tupperware at once, and buy a bunch of different sizes but all with the same lid.
HER: You almost ready to go to my mothers?
ME: *looking out window wondering if the jump will only break a leg & not kill me* Be right down.
Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?
I think I just went to third base with a jelly doughnut.
i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings
*enters bubble blowing contest
*blows BIG bubble
*guy blows BIGGER bubble
*pulls knife
*pops bubble(ALWAYS bring a knife to a gum fight.)
[Bumps into old school friend]
Him: Haven’t seen you for years!
Me: I know!
Him: Good to see you man
Me: You too!
Him: We should meet up
Me: Definitely
Him: We won’t though
Me: No way
Him: I’ll never see you again
Me: I wanna run away
Him: See you around
Me: Bye forever!
[first date]
him, a cop: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.
NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?
ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.
Boyfriend walked into the bathroom as I was taking a tampon out.
He screamed: PLEASE SAY IT ISN’T LIT! I DON’T WANNA GO OUT LIKE THIS!
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.
Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.