“I’d like to get a trim.”
“There’s a bit of a wait.”
“No problem.”
“Name, please?”
“It’s-“
“Just kidding. Have a seat, Tom.”
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I can’t imagine the things this hotel air conditioner has seen.
“Holy infant so tender and mild.”
-cannibals
Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.
what day is it?
She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.
Batman: I’m afraid of bats
Superman: I’m afraid of soup
My mom misses having young grandchildren, so once a week she picks up my dog and takes her out for breakfast.
My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!
Need WebMD
Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?
I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.
Three turkeys ran through the yard and all I could think was “wait guys, I’m coming too.”
INTERVIEWER: Your greatest weakness?
ME: I’m told my laugh is sinister.
INTERVIEWER: Lol. That can’t be true.
ME: Mwahahaha. I know, right.
this lady on nextdoor was like “we’ve had this chihuahua for ten years but we had a baby so now we’re getting rid of our dog does anyone want him” and i replied “rehome the baby” and now IM the bad guy?
I’m not sure what a Doja Cat is but sadly I’ve learned it’s not a place for your cats to practice their karate moves
[God making bears]
God: Make them furry, kinda cute, and really good at hugging
Angel: Aww
God: Hugs that will kill people
Angel: Wtf?!
[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*
My dentist is a nice guy but he asks the dumbest questions. Um, yeah, I think I’ve heard of a toothbrush!
Me: What did she say about me?
Friend: She said you ask too many questions
Me: She said that? Too many questions? Really? Me? …What else?
This made me chuckle cuz mood
*Three fingers stuck in my piggy bank
Firefighters: I’m not sure this is what they meant by stimulating the economy
bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.
Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.
Made a joke in the checkout and the woman called me a rascal. Been high on that all day. I’m a RASCAL. Need to buy a whole new rascal wardrobe
Your body is a temple. Mine is a graveyard.
If we all just agree, this could be a 3 day weekend too
I didn’t see San Andreas because I heard there’s not a scene where a therapist tells the seismologist, “It’s not your fault.”
i’ve started reading before bed instead of scrolling twitter and not only am i sleeping really well, but i also think i’m better than everyone
Obama keeps trying to get me to kiss this top secret document from Syria but I keep telling him I’m not the kinda guy who’ll kiss intel
The scientifically proven most effective way of cooling off your fighter in between rounds. #PFLPlayoffs