“I’d like to get a trim.”
“There’s a bit of a wait.”
“No problem.”
“Name, please?”
“It’s-“
“Just kidding. Have a seat, Tom.”
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My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you
THERE ARE 7 BILLION PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. WHY WOULD YOU HAVE SEX WITH KITCHENWARE?
Oh, that’s not what pansexual means. Carry on then.
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?
Hey cell phone companies who play smooth jazz hold music hoping I’ll lose interest and give up: yeah, it’s kinda working
i love police dramas because i’m a big fan of men in rolled up sleeves standing in front of a map saying “all right people listen up” 20 minutes in.
Seriously, ladies. If you just stop sleeping with douchebags eventually their species will go extinct. Look at the big picture here.
The new iPhone’s front camera detects when you’re looking at another phone and gives you a small electric shock.
Nothing in a household is said more lovingly than, “Can you bring me some toilet paper?”
Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
Okay….
[unaware grindr isn’t an app for skateboarders] I’d love to meet at the park
getting an underwhelming response to my new honk if you hate loud noises bumper sticker.
I’m not exaggerating when I say if I ever clogged a toilet at work I would immediately quit, change my name, and move to a different city
During this heat wave with high humidity I’ve not wasted time combing my hair and I’m looking like a chia pet.
A bridesmaid, but to carry the end of my CVS receipt.
The best part about Halloween is seeing people in costume doing normal shit. Just saw a Dracula standing by a car eating potato chips.
One day you’re partying til 2am and waltzing into work the next morning
Then all of the sudden you “need a vacation from your vacation”
Why can’t we have a civil debate?
– people who can’t even stay on topic
Female fishermen should be called Broadcasters.
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: oh my god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: listen son money doesn’t grow on trees
Him: You need to ease up on always picking out the things I do wrong
Me: You make it sound like I do it all the time!
Him: Even when I’m doing good, you have to find a mista…
Me: “Well”…when you’re doing “well”
Him:
Me: Go on…
Cop: know how fast you were going?
Me: 30
Cop: faster
Me: 217
Cop: what? no 72
Me: 54
Cop: I already told-
Me: negative 12
Cop: get out
“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids
Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’
Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.
A guy just walked past with fries and said “fries?” and I was like “cool thanks!” and took three and then he was like “no, I work here, did you order the fries?”. I did not order the fries.
Me in January: (stuffing tangled lights and ornaments into unlabeled boxes) Problem for another day!
Me in December: Son of a b****
No one
Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.
[Writing Batman theme]
WRITER: So it starts by saying “Batman.”
PRODUCER: Well that makes sense, just once?
WRITER: 23 times.
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you just make noise for awhile.
PRODUCER:
WRITER
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you say Batman again.