“I’d like to get a trim.”
“There’s a bit of a wait.”
“No problem.”
“Name, please?”
“It’s-“
“Just kidding. Have a seat, Tom.”
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Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding
Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though
“what’s something you’d tell your younger self?” you can have ice cream for dinner, nobody will stop you
bros in the example zone 😭
My daughter asked me what a colonoscopy was so I gave her an honest answer. She learned about colonoscopies and I learned I need to be less honest.
Thursday Thought.
I think it’s only called hoarding when you’re poor.
Getting married soon just need a spouse
“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor
Pan Left To Soak Now Predates All Current Roommates
I Can’t Tonight…
poor people rarely die from ski related injuries
The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.
“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”
Open for business, 24/7
~my stomach
Me: why aren’t you studying?
My kid: I didn’t see you coming.
“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.
When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.
Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.
When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.
You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three
What do you call a group of musical killer whales?
An orca-stra.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Adding “scroll for two hours” to my To-Do list, so I won’t do it.
I took my wife to an orchard and we stood there staring at trees for more than an hour…
Apparently this was NOT the Apple Watch she was expecting for her birthday.
new dad Todd: lol check out what I did with my baby
friend: lmao dude did you actually put him in a treetop
Todd: lmao the wind rocks him so I don’t have to
friend: yo what if the bough breaks or some shit hahaha
Todd (suddenly serious): bro why would you even say that
Based on how he reacts, you’d think my dog’s entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
When life hands you women, make women laid.
Me: Hi. I can’t take your call right now but please leave a message.
CW: I’m standing right in front of yo…
Me: BEEEEEEEEEEEEP