“I’d like to get a trim.”
“There’s a bit of a wait.”
“No problem.”
“Name, please?”
“It’s-“
“Just kidding. Have a seat, Tom.”
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UPS delivery tracking is like “your shipment is on a truck which is currently parked next to your house. Estimated delivery is 9 days from now.”
Apologizing after bumping into a mannequin is embarrassing, but apologizing a second time is significantly worse when the mannequin moves and you realize you just said “sorry, I thought you were a person” to a live human being
Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣
Baby Soldier: Ma’am. Your husband is MIA.
Soldiers wife: *covers crying face with hands*
Baby Soldier: Oh great! Now his wife is MIA too.
TSA Agent (looking at my ID): Is this you?
Me: I believe that is ultimately your decision to make sir.
HR: Well?
Me: it was a surprisingly good slingshot
HR:
Me: I didn’t know the eraser would hit him in the eye
HR:
Me: can I have my bra back?
Well well well…
I sprung into action when a coworker was choking during lunch. I moved him into the next room, so I could eat in peace and quiet
Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period
When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
My son lying to his little sister so she isn’t sad about a movie ending reminds me this year has brought them so much closer together and also kids will lie about anything
If HBO released all ten episodes of Game of Thrones at once, maybe I’d be able to remember the characters’ names from episode to episode.
HER: *Points to my dish* I’ll have what he’s having
ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine
H: No, I mea-
M:*To waiter* Tell her it’s mine
Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.
Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.
On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”
BOB: My name spelled backwards is the same.
DAVE: Hahaha I’d be Evad.
LANA: Guys, can we play different game?
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Just let me finish this movie
Wife: What are you watching?
Me: *turns to camera* The Neverending Story
me: im fine, everything’s fine
my search history: i beg to differ
Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.
ME: but I got to the buffet before anyone else
MANAGER: that’s not how the first responder discount works
When I was much younger, my father giving me a sip of some Budweiser beer hoping to somehow sway me from drinking beer. All it did was teach me what beers to avoid.
Twitter: hey, check out this picture of an Australian golfer accidentally hitting a kangaroo
Me: lol *like*
Twitter: so what I’m getting from this is you want your whole feed to be Australian golf news
Me: n-
Twitter: poor showing today from Sergio Clemsworth, hitting +2 at
[Family Feud]
What’s your answer?!
*whispers into microphone*
Please help me, I don’t even know these people
What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.
Went onto the patio and found out that my daughter is in the process of making fake dog doo with insulating foam sealant. Do I ask or just let nature take its course? #QuarantineCrafts
Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*
[toddlers, ordering in a restaurant] “garçon! your freshest fish crackers, for the lady, and for me – the sauce of one apple.”