I’d like to give a shout-out to the shower curtain, for always sticking by my side
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If a necromancer isn’t someone who gives you hickies, then I’m not interested.
Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!
This is Patsy. She fell asleep in the rain and is now convinced she’s having an out-of-body experience. 14/10
You know what I respect about Shaquille O’Neal? He endorses and invests in everything. Gold Bond? Yes. Papa John’s? Hell yeah. Epson printers? You know it. I just saw his name on an office chair at Office Depot. This man owns 150 Five Guys. That’s 750 guys
Money can’t buy you happiness. But it can buy you burritos and a Slip N’ Slide. So you do the math.
If Twitter bellies up, I’m getting addresses because we are all pen pals now
*Getting a tattoo*
Me(to tattoo artist)-Do you ever make the bzzz-sounds with your mouth when you’re using a regular pen on your spare time?
One time I stayed in a relationship three months longer than I should’ve because the person had a flattering mirror in their apartment
The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.
If I wear a wizard hat and robe to my cousin’s wedding this weekend, I bet no one asks me if I’m next.
showing a photo of a healthy guy to my doctor like i’d show the barber a picture of a haircut
Friend: I’m about to appear in court.
Me: Best of luck! Kill it!!
Friend:…not exactly the best phrase to use in a medical negligence case.
Hey guys, I almost did a backflip today!
EMT: Please try not to speak, sir.
Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.
41 years old and I find myself in the grip of an identity crisis. Do I became a hat guy or a shaved-head guy?
By the nervous look on his face I thought my boyfriend had an engagement ring hidden in his hand but it was just a stranger’s bra.
Whew.
The self checkout lane was invented by a man who was sent to the store to buy tampons.
When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.
There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.
The worst words a parent can hear: I’m not tired
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?
I’d be fine with a ghost living with me if each time a bloody message appeared it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR
Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.
Thanks for warning me to be careful after I slipped & fell. I’ll be sure to wish you luck on your lab test results at your funeral.
TOM HARDY: ‘I am a necessary evil!’
TOM SOFTY: ‘I can’t have anything too spicy before bed.’
Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎
BOSS: I want to see you in my office.
ME: Wow, thanks. You can have my cubicle.
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid: You didn’t sew the hole in my bunny
Me..
Kid..
Me: It’s 3:07am
Kid: So are you gonna sew it now?