Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: But Lord, what about the times I saw only one set of footprints in the sand?

JESUS: You know what, stop trying to be some kind of beach detective

GUYS.

For the past two years the ticket man at my station has baffled me. Some days we get on like a house on fire, chatting about life. Other days he won’t even return a hello…turns out to be a pair of identical twins who both work there.

TWO SEPERATE MEN.

TWO YEARS GUYS.

My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.

One time I overheard my coworker answer a question with ‘I don’t know, I was in Prague’ so that’s my go to now whenever I don’t have the answer to a question.

Me: I need to finish the semester strong

Friend: hey

Me: u right, I should skip class tomorrow

Parents: Are you eating well at school?

Me: Totally
*Eats sugary cereal for every meal from the dining hall*

Finally a use for spoilers…

“You tell Marcy that she can ask someone else to bring snacks to book club next time if it’s going to take three weeks for me to get my dish back.”

[homocide scene]
DETECTIVE:”my god, in my 25 years on the force i’ve never seen a dead ghost.”
COP:”sir?, we covered the body with a sheet.”

I’m at my most walk of shame when I’m wearing sweatpants heading back to the buffet for the third time.

[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “mussel”
me: can you use it in a sentence?
judge: check out the mussels on this fisherman
me: umm

Cow Teacher:
Did you bring up enough for the rest of the class?

Heifer *chewing cud*
No

Teacher: Swallow it again then.

My kid was telling me a story about a man who got shot by a snake and I said that was impossible as snakes are never armed and now I’m banned from talking in my own house.

Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers

“Ah, Mr Bond, I-”
*closes laptop lid and pulls up trousers*
“-wasn’t expecting you.”

Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.

Nothing makes me more anxious than when I answer the same letter, three questions in a row on a multiple choice test.

“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf

There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁

Twitter should offer Shkreli his account back for $10,000 and if he agrees say sorry and suddenly raise the price 5600%

A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.

if I ever look at my phone in the middle of a conversation with you, I’m not reading a text, I’m just looking up the definition of a word I just used a bit too confidently

Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve

mail is cool because 99% of the time it’s like a J.c. penney catalogue for a previous tenant and 1% of the time it’s something you’ll go to jail for if you don’t look at

Mufasa: my son, present your first antelope kill

Simba: *hiding cantaloupe behind his back* my what now

Scar: *whispering* lmao I’m the lyin’ king

I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.

I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.

YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.

Her: Ugh. Don’t look at me. I’ve put on a little baby weight.

Me: DEAR GOD!! WHY ARE YOU EATING SO MANY BABIES!?

My first grader wants to go to a haunted house. Not a pretend one, a real one. “I want to fight a ghost,” were his exact words.