Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

8yo: daddy what’s your best talent?

me: hmm I don’t know, maybe being a dad?

8yo: no that’s not it

I woke up with a horse’s head in my bed. And straw. And the rest of the horse’s body. And cows. And a tractor. And this is a barn, I guess.

[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be

Me: I hate it when people make me wait.

Chef: Just do your job and take this to the table.

Victims of ninjas, who hurt you?

We love taking our boys to adventure parks. It’s a great way to spend $800 to listen to them complain about the weather and about how much they hate to stand in line.

[superman saves a kid by stopping a train mid track]

reporter: you just saved the kid by using your super strength to stop the train.

superman: yes, yes I did.

reporter: couldn’t you just have used super speed instead and moved the kid out of the way?

superman:

reporter:

I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.

Oh my God.

[first day on a new job]

Me: I’ll admit. I’m a workaholic. I tend to bring my work home with me.

Zoo keeper: Put down the penguin.

I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.

Just saw a bird run across the street if you were wondering if anyone else is wasting their gifts.

I hate it when I see an inflatable arm-flailing tube man and then I realize that he was actually flailing his arms at someone behind me.

Eating too much fruitcake is the sin of gluttony.

However, eating too much pie is okay, because the sin of pi is zero.

#FruitCakeDay #RubbishJokes #Dadjokes

she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos

Me: how do I get one of those singing groups?

Director: you mean a choir?

Me: *exasperated sigh* yes fine, how do I acquire one of those singing groups?

“WE ALREADY HAVE IT!”

ME: What do we want?!

“TIME TRAVEL!”

ME: When do we–oh

And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.

[drive thru window]

[apologize to homeowners]

*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*

[Genetics Lab]

Me: One designer baby, please

Doctor: It’s not like that, you..

Me: Please remove the pooping and crying functions

Doctor: What? No, you can’t…

Me: Give it wings and flamethrowers

Doctor:

Me: I’m gonna call her Claire

Me during the day: “I’ve learned not to worry about things I can’t control.”

Me at 3:42am: “What are the chances of surviving a medium-sized asteroid impact?”

Me: I want cozy pajama pants for Christmas.

Him: I was gonna get lingerie.

Me: Trust me. VS won’t have your size.

Him:

Me: *jazz hands*

I’m still waiting for the day my parents will say, “It’s all fake, we are millionaires, this was just to teach you to be humble”.

You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.

Sex so good you see dead people.

i’m crying live action simba really did not gaf

If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker

Ancestors survived five mass extinctions on earth for me to be killed by a house cat I was trying to put a christmas sweater on.