@bazecraze

I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.

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@andylassner

The Samsung Galaxy is a cool phone if you don’t mind carrying around a 42″ screen.

@andlikelaura

[harry potter at work]

Colleague: when you were in school you killed a giant snake thing, right?

Harry: a basilisk, yes

Colleague: can’t even edit a google doc though, yikes *sips coffee*

@Kappa_Kappa

When someone invites me to their house and I see more than 2 cars parked outside it I keep driving just in case it’s an intervention for me

@AllanForsyth

Drank some paint and have now added “interior decorator” to my CV.

@gilozeri

johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp

@thejessbess

I’m no scientist, but I don’t think it’s possible for EVERYBODY to be kung fu fighting.

@daddydoubts

Negotiating with a 3 year old:

Me: pick out two books to read.

3yo: no five books!

Me: fine three books.

3yo: no five books!

Me: no one book!

3yo: no TWO books!

Me: ugh you got me, two books it is.

@KimmyMonte

A burrito.. in a bowl? Sure that sounds great! And while you’re at it, why don’t you rip the blankets off me while I sleep, u piece of shit

@PetrickSara

Other women: Nothing is sexier than a dad holding a baby.

Me: Nothing is sexier than my husband using his thundering dad-voice to frighten our children into behaving when I’ve abandoned all hope.