I’d like to have a word with the groundhog before he starts on his bullshit this year.
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*boss stops meeting*
Mike, is there something you’ld like to share with the whole group?
Me: Nooooo, that’s why I whispered it to Alan.
If you enjoy waking up and checking to see what died, get a fish tank
[First date]
Me: So what do you do?
Him: I’m an astronomer.
Me: [trying to impress] *moons him*
I’m rubber. You’re glue.
I don’t conduct low voltage electricity. You’re great for arts & crafts.
Drove past Sheffield a few times over the years & always wondered what they were building with all the cranes. Every year the cranes were there & I said to my husband how long have they been building there? The look on his face when he told me it was a crane yard.
My wife and I are sitting on the couch watching tv and I hear a text, realizing I left my phone in the kitchen, I get up, go to the kitchen to check it…
and its a text from my wife:
Please bring the chips on your way back
You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?
Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask
Every grocery store has a manager, a clerk, and a person standing in front of the spices learning how alphabetical order works for the very first time.
a car is a metal ravioli and you are the meat!
First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory
MAR 14: Pi Day
MAR 15: Ides of March
MAR 17: St. Patrick’s DayMAR 16: middle child, left out as usual
coroner: it’s natural, just air escaping the body
my wife: could we remove the kazoo
People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: no sir
My Parrot: hell yea I love driving 86 mph without a seatbelt! my name is phil jamesson
If I was haunted by three spirits, one of them would definitely be tequila.
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked.
Me: like finding out the person you’re talking to in your DM’s is actually single.
Waiter: I’ll ask the chef if we can prepare it that rare.
My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.
“WHAAAAATTT?” – The first almond to be milked
*arrives late to the Time Management Skills meeting*
Praying Mantis: *attends church, devours husband*
Agnostic Mantis: *stares suspiciously up at the sky, devours husband*
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
[camping]
Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?
Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.
Cat: I am a MAJESTIC POWERFUL creature of the night
Me: I will call you Mr Fuzzypants
Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.
Overthrowing governments actually sounds pretty coup
Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.