Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

God: this animal is called a woodchuck

Angel: because it can ch-

God: lmao no

Him: I want a million dollars
Genie: Like hell u do, 🤣🤣, here’s a years free subscription of Netflix

Me: I want my kid to keep all his toys properly
Genie:
Genie: How about a million dollars instead

you can fill a waterbed with gravy, no one even checks.

Pediatrician: I’d like to discuss your son’s limited interest in, or ability to, interact with others.

Me: Absolutely. Email me?

It’s too bad he never woke up and chose violence. “Bob Ross, mob boss” has a nice ring to it.

Kids nowadays don’t know how easy they have it with their Google, back in my day, we all thought the lyrics to Informer were “Informah, yaknowfeyameeeblaaan, a lickyboomboomdowwwn” and we just had to accept it.

I curse you with throw pillows that explode into more throw pillows every time you throw them.

Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.

[Facebook post]
Wife: Decorating with the fam and listening to holiday music #blessed

[real life]
Wife: QUIT THROWING THE GODDAMN ORNAMENTS AT YOUR BROTHER

Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.

It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.

In my meager defense, I was in no way aware the gingerbread houses were entries in a contest.

Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.

*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*

Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don’t end up like everyone I went to high school with.

suspect: i ain’t talkin

cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]

suspect: can i have some

cop: cake is for talkers

REPORTER: How do you feel after serving 6 months under house arrest?

ME: I did not realize that had started.

I wish I could get the hell out of here and move to New Zealand. A Hobbit hole in Bag End would be nice right about now.

Me: Sometimes I cannot think of anything to say.

She: And yet you don’t shut up.

“And if all your friends were jumping off a bridge, would you make up a story about jumping off a bridge too?”– Teen Brian Williams’ mother

I buried one of those 12ft skeletons in my yard. Gonna make one hell of a true crime podcast someday.

The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.

Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.

Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired

Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster

My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.

Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate

Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.

The concept of warding off vampires with crosses is so interesting to me. I wonder if it applies to any other religion or if they’re allergic to just catholicism

If you’ve never told a cop that pulled you over for doing 88mph or higher that you are a time traveler then have you ever really even tried to get out of a ticket

detective: looks like the victim was pushed into the pond, let’s go pull him out

[ducks under the police tape]

detective: and get these ducks outta here

Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.