I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.
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My dad’s pet name for my mom is tiger.
Let’s never discuss this again.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
me: yes
Netflix: is that a book in your hands?
me: *gulp* no
A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Shit Sherlock Research Institute.
Eve: *chewing* what was that thing we weren’t supposed to eat?
God: please tell me you didn’t eat the apple
Eve: *licking fingers* oh haha no
God: …where’s Adam?
I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him
me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you
i’m not paying off my credit cards anymore if they wanted that money back they shouldn’t have gave it to me
My 10-year-old is cleaning the kitchen. One roll of paper towels later I have the world’s cleanest kitchen stool.
Coworker to me: ” Why are you always rushing out of here after work? You’re single with no kids.”
Me: ” Exactly.”
Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.
4 said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7, and now I’m terrified to go into the bathroom.
I tell all my ex girlfriends I just want them to be happy (happy was a golden retriever I saw get hit by a train in 1997)
Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones
Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich
Me: …
According to my credit card statement Amazon is a hobby
The beatles purposefully wrote catchy songs to generate interest in their band
[whale watching]
whale: can someone close the drapes please? He’s back again
2yo: Mommy, you beautiful.
4yo: *snorts* Maybe if she brushed her hair.
Sugar in the bloodstream, I’m the world’s problem now.
i was so happy to be snuggled on the couch with both my kids when my sweet daughter turned to me, patted me and sweetly said “mommy you have a big big tummy”
parenting is not for the faint of heart
I bet whenever a pilot drives a car there’s a brief moment of panic like “why isn’t it going up??”
My teen thought it’d be funny to unfriend me on Facebook. I laughed and laughed and changed the wi-fi password. Good times!
After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.
Her: Did you find the restroom?
Me: Yes. Now we can do some doody free shopping LOL
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: There is snow in my paw and now you must carry me.
Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.
How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?
My son’s girlfriend always peels out of the driveway like a car chase from the Rockford Files.
I admire her spirit, but I have to live with my neighbors.
My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”
Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again