I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.
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A local business in my town has an open carry discount. As in, you show them a gun to save money. Doesn’t that discount apply everywhere?
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: omg is anyone a doctor?
ME: *stands up confidently and turns to flight attendant* you forgot my Diet Coke
(first date)
Me: *hyperventilating*
Him: Don’t be nervous. Take a deep breath.
Me: Can’t. I’m wearing three pairs of Spanx.
“Can I speak to your manager please?”
“I AM the manager”
Me: I think I broke my arm. Take me to the hospital.
That one friend: I’ll make you a tincture with frankincense & eucalyptus. Then grind some Spanish moss and nettles in my mortar and pestle. You’ll be right as rain.
Is there a support group for parents whose children watched so much Bluey that it caused them to become Australian? Asking for a friend
I’m writing a horror story. It’s about a girl who forgets her headphones and her colleagues think it’s ok to talk to her. So much blood.
No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool
I like my coffee like I like my women: Much, much hotter than I have any business putting in my mouth. And sprinkled with cinnamon.
I rented this bobcat to help me dig up my new pool but he won’t even hold the shovel. He’s just eating all the neighborhood squirrels.
Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?
“We all have two lives. The second begins when you realize you only have one.”
~ Tom Hiddleston
One time I knocked my hot curling iron off the sink & caught it in my open palm because I have the catlike reflexes of a dim-witted ninja.
The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”
Baby, it takes two to tango
But only one to tequila.
Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.
I’m Indian but not “able to read sanskrit” Indian so slow down there Raj, aside from the heart eye emojis I have no idea wtf your DM means.
superman villains:
darkseid – galactic conqueror
doomsday – indestructible killing machinebatman villains:
the joker – tells little jokes
the riddler – poses little riddles
the penguin – is a penguin
Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work
Papa don’t preach
I’m in trouble deep
Papa don’t preach
I’ve been losing sleep
But I made up my mind
I’m keeping my baby velociraptor
Ok who’s got my black socks?
A fun thing to do on a first date is wear a wedding dress
Wife: So you write tweets about us?
Me: Sometimes
Wife: Do you embellish them to make them interesting?
Dwayne Johnson: I bet he does
Me: Stay out of this, The Rock
Dr “Do you want the good news or the bad news?”
Patient “Good”
Dr “You have 6 months to live”
P “What’s the bad news!?”
Dr “…in dog years”
I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:
“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.
god: make a giant mouse
angel: okay
god: with a baby carrier on it
angel: wh- why
god: but it’s like, really good at jumping and stuff
angel: [nervously] what stuff
god: [hits joint] boxing
Saltine’s slogan should be “Sorry you’re sick.”
Good morning to everyone except the sentient computer who locked me out of the space station
My friend just told me she’s sick and when I asked how she thinks she got it she told me it all started when she yelled at a bird who attacked her and I don’t know if I’m ready to dive into this
The lion king: 🎶it’s the circle of life!
The lyin king: so yeah he just fell off that cliff