I’d like to live in a small town where they still do festivals, play fun games and raffles, bake pies and other delicious food, and sacrifice to the Gods..
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This aging app is really getting people’s hopes up that the world will still be here when they’re old
Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.
My ideal workday would be from 9:00 AM to 9:07 AM
I was very proud of myself for eating a healthy dinner. So naturally I rewarded myself with a bowl of ice cream.
I’m at a fancy restaurant so of course I ordered the Patricia melt.
Guten Morgen. What do you call an angry German mob?
Sauer crowd.
Went on a trampoline with my 1 year old and learned that if you jump JUST right it unfortunately turns into a baby catapult.
The only thing left for CNN to do is drop Wolf Blitzer in the Indian Ocean and see how long it takes to find him.
*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiancé is reading her wedding vows*
Convince people you own a penguin by putting up a ‘Beware of the Penguin’ sign outside your house.
Google needs a “you really don’t want to know” search answer.
The problem with wearing a reversible shirt is that at some point I want to show off how it works
Before quarantine my husband used to eat like 5 Doritos and then fold the bag and put it away and since we’ve been in quarantine HE STILL DOES THE SAME THING I mean has this situation taught him nothing
“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”
[from the bushes]
“No”
Employee: please stop
Me: I’m just finding the right avocado
Employee: people usually just squeeze it
Me: *takes one bite out of another avocado* really?
People who tuck their shirts into sweatpants…are you okay?
Parkour is the act of moving through an environment in the fastest way possible. It’s all about speed and efficiency.
Now imagine the opposite of that. The slowest, least efficient way, to get to where you need to go. That’s what happens when my kid says he’s taking a shortcut.
Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”
I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon
Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”
My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?
*walks into room to find toddler stuck upside down yelling for help*
“Hold it right there baby, Mommy’s just taking a quick picture”
No, you lookup addresses mentioned in crime reports to see how close they are to you.
Gingerbread man: i’m just not cut out for this
Therapist: actually you absolutely are
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now
This morning in my local coffee shop.
Customer: “A large mug with four shots of espresso and the rest filled with milk, please.”
Barista: “Are you sure? That’s a latte coffee!”
#EspressoDay #WednesdayThought #RubbishJokes
When I was younger I also blamed Jewish people for all my problems and thought they were part of a conspiracy to control and ruin my life. Turns out they were just being good parents.