Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.

Whoever said “find joy in the small things” clearly didn’t know my ex.

Me: One day, when you’re older, I’m gonna come to your house and ask you for a snack every 5 min and beg you to take me places and buy me stuff constantly

9yo: …and I’ll say no to all of it, just like you do

the worst part of facing the final boss in any video game is when he makes you fill out the self-evaluation portion of your performance review beforehand

You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.

Interviewer: please explain this gap in your resume
Me: I was trying to optimise my 8 dollars worth for the month.

Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.

Best way to stop the April Fools’ “I’m pregnant” jokes is replying with “I thought you put on some weight.”

I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks

The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with

Health Tip:
If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it.

5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
Me: Finland
5: Ohhhhhhh

I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate hamsters.

[road trip]

ME: I’m hungry, let’s stop and eat

FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place

ME: You idiot, we don’t have that kind of time

If the future is now, then how come the pizza I’m gonna order later isn’t here yet?

If you are going to make me scan my own groceries, give me an intercom too

Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even?

I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.

“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”

“It’s my carrion.”

i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything

A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!

I was 15 before I got glasses that let me actually see the puck on televised hockey games. Before that, I thought it was just MMA on ice. Anyway, happy Canada Day, my friends to the north.

Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework

When your toilet is getting married, what’s the appropriate gift?

Seagulls are the annoying drunk white girls of the bird community.

Me, as a judge: OK we’ll take a quick recess now.

*lawyers start discussing lawyer things*

*I go outside and swing on the swingset*

Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?

I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, let’s take her to the vet and see if she has a microchip.”

HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?

ME: You bet I did.

One of the fake rooms at Ikea should just be a couple fighting as they try to put the furniture together