I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.
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Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.
Adults should not be twins. Being twins is for children.
Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.
LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?
CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.
Suggested movie theater prices: Adults – $9.00, Under 12 – $ 6.00, Under 3 – $249.00
Before grocery trip: only getting healthy essentials
After grocery trip: how many grams of protein are in these Doritos?
The manager of this gym is looking at me like he’s never seen someone sit on weight bench to finish their hash-browns.
batman: who do I see about this ticket?
cop: oh, I wrote it
batman: who tickets the batmobile!?
cop: you were illegally parked
batman: I was fighting crime!
cop: rules are rules
batman: I WAS DOING YOUR JOB!!!!
cop: did you see I wrote “I’m sorry” with a little heart?
American voters doing the deep research today before voting.
How to make ‘Small Talk’ with an Introvert:
Step 1: Identify the introvert
Step 2: Smile at the introvert and walk away without speaking
Step 3: Understand that the introvert enjoyed your time together
When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get
Asked my toddler if she’d work on being more careful when eating in her car seat. Her response was an immediate “No.” At least she’s honest.
Vampire: How did you find me?!
Me: We waited outside all night for you to get back
Vampire: So it was a stakeout
Me: lmao
Vampire: lmaoooo
It’s been a while since I’ve done online dating but where do you put your daily supplemental fiber intake on your profile
If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!
Sex in the snow is wintercourse.
[creation of insects]
LIGHTNING BUG: I will illuminate the night
BEE: I will pollinate flowers
FLY: I will eat shit and die
You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.
Am I the only one who gives people in my neighborhood names they don’t know they have? a.k.a. “Running Man”,”Mustang Bob”, “Blue truck dude”
Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night
I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.
No point crayon over spilled milk.
Trying out a new chicken fried steak recipe tonight because I think it’s important for my kids to learn to reject lots of different kinds of foods.
[typing]
Me: Is it DISCREET or DISCRETE?
Wife: 2nd.
Me: Is “polyamorous” hyphenated?
Wife: No. Why?
Me: It’s for work. When’s your flight?
HR: Can you explain why your drug test shows incredibly high levels of THC?
Me: Tennessee Hot Chicken? Yeah, I eat that every time I get high.
frog: kiss me, I’m a prince
her: ew gross
frog: you have a problem with frogs?
her: no, with the monarchy
I told 14 to put the towels from the washer to the dryer 4 hours ago. I asked an hour ago if he did and he said yes.
He never turned the dryer on. I guess that shit’s on me for not specifying.
Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.
Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.