I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.
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interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?
me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born
A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.
MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?
Why do meditation exercises always start by telling me to close my eyes? How am I gonna read the rest of the instructions?! 😆
Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.
CHINA: how can we fix our economic problems???
GERMANY: how do we reestablish our engineering reputation???
USA: OH MY GOD RAT WITH A PIZZA
Protip: if a woman you’re with is screaming “ELEPHANT! SENATOR! BANANA! EUCALYPTUS! MISSISSIPPI!” it’s because she probably forgot the safe word.
I forgot you cant make depression jokes outside of twitter lmao my coworker was like “you ready for this year to be over?” I was like “im ready for this life to be over” he was like bro what
What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.
[La Brea Tarpits]
ME: *gesturing for tour members* the stegosaurus was the calzone of dinosaur times
SECURITY: sir, hang on to the life hook or you’ll sink like your Segway
Eventually, everyone will be quarantined to their houses with no sports to watch… and in 9 months from now a boom of babies will be born… and we will call them the coronials. #Coronials #Youhearditherefirst
wife: please don’t do anything stupid
me: ok… wait,
tonight or ever?
*uneasily answers phone
‘Guess who?’
David?
‘No’
John?
‘No’
Mike?
‘No’
Steve?
‘No, I made you very happy the other night’
Haagen Daz?
‘NO’
Pizza Hut?
KID: daddy how are idiots made
ME: well you see when another driver and your blindspot love each other very much…
Calling a movie “Psycho” ruins the surprise because you know there’s going to be a psycho in it. It should have been called “Normal, Maybe”
If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions
You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you
[doc pulls baby out of mom and immediately slides it under his shirt] oh no NOW I’M PREGNANT haha no [pulls it out] just kidding here you go
I want what every woman wants at 2 am: Breakfast.
I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights
Yes, the 5:00 whistle! I’m so excited I’m going to yell a catchphrase of some sort and slide right down the tail of an unidentified dinosaur on my way to clock out!
[divorce court]
ME: …and that’s why I am seeking full custody
JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the “Netflix password”
Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.
My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.
If I see someone stumble, catch themselves, & madly start looking about to see if anyone saw, I always make sure I make direct eye contact.
If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler
Like an alarm clock but it’s your toddler standing next to your bed with a mascara wand whispering “I make you beautiful”.