Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I see someone has deliberately parked their big expensive car so that no one can use the space next to them I will do everything I can to try and squeeze in to the spot. My record is 6 minutes of careful manoeuvring and having to exit through the boot.

I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.

A guy I know just posted “I’m relaxing today, don’t bother me” on Facebook, and let me tell you: I was going to bother him but now I’m not

“Wish You Were Beer!”

Wait…no…that’s right…send.

Alright! Everyone that got a DM containing a map to my treehouse, meet there in 15 mins. Those who didn’t, maybe consider being nicer to me.

Dog; Why do you put my treats so high up?

Me: Because if I didn’t, you’d be able to get them

Dog: Hey, I’m just trying to save you the hassle. Excuse me for caring.

Deep, meaningful communication is the key to a successful relationship.

The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day

Me: You better eat your vegetables

My kid: but why

Me: they are good for you , they make your eyes brighter and skin glow

My kid (takes a hard look at me): I don’t think that’s true

[before nap]

I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!

[after nap]

well now it’s way too late to do anything

*watches a show about global warming*
Yeah whatever, doesn’t affect me.

*watches a show about bear attacks*
Would I be able to take a bear?

Me: Got any more of those debbled eggs?
Friend: Did you just say DEBBLED eggs?
Me: No, I said the right thing…

You’re telling me that you paid eight dollars for a cup of coffee…

They don’t put any booze in it or nothin?

Just saw someone holding a sign that said “Honk 2 impeach Obama”
You’d think the process to impeach a president would be more complicated

He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.

this is me

My husband just got all pissy because I put the empty glass “he was still using” in the dishwasher, and this is my villain origin story.

DONT YOU DARE TELL ME WHAT I CAN AND CANNOT DO I HAVE A OUIJA BOARD FOR THAT

I got the Pfizer vaccine and pso pfar pno pside effects.

Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting

2015: This is our son, Aiden.
2016: This is our son, Lemonaiden.

Somewhere, a ninja watches “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant.” An imperceptible smile creeps across his lips. “Damn right you didn’t.”

I have also decided to not buy Twitter.

Nine: There’s safety in numbers

Seven: *ties napkin around his neck*

*interrogating cat*
Admit it! You’re a Communist!
“Meow”
A no-good red!
“Meow”
Tough guy eh?
“Meow”
We can do this all night.
“Mao”
You–wait

Wolf: Woof!
Me: Omg Pokémon do exist.

Apparently waterboarding Tim from marketing is not considered an acceptable team building exercise.

I just watched a YouTuber apology video where the lady played a ukulele and said “the only thing I ever groomed was my two Persian cats.”

date: can you ask the waiter if he has chicken legs

me: *quietly* no, it’s probably just the way he walks

Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.