Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If your BF wears a gold necklace outside of his tshirt both of you will be asked to get out of your car by the police at gunpoint some day

I know things ordinary people don’t know because ordinary people don’t talk to squirrels.

My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum

They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.

Me: *leans in for a kiss

CPR Instructor: Did you just say ‘leans in for a kiss’???

Sarah Palin’s new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.

Me: I wish u’d bring back my 1st pet
Genie: No blood magic
Me: I wish politicians had to tell the truth
Genie: [sigh] what was ur pets name?

Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.

I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.

SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you

Dracula: you will become a creature of the night. Not alive, but not dead. You will thirst for blood and haunt the land for eternity

Me: but I can play video games all the time, forever?

Dracula: in theory…yes

Me: ok let’s do this

“What’d you do today”
“Went on a treasure hunt”
“I hope you mean job hunt”
“Treasure hunt”
“You need to find a job”
“Not if I find treasure”

I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.

🤣🤣

Cleaned out my kid’s backpack and found everything I’ve been missing since 1990

*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*

fava beans
a nice chianti
dave

If I could make water into wine, I’d probably stumble out of a cave 3 days later too.

Of course I’m gonna miss my husband when he goes away for the weekend in 45 hours 23 minutes and….*checks watch*….27 seconds

Bisexuals are lucky. To the rest of us, life is a restaurant where you’re allergic to half the items on the menu.

✌🏽

Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.

{emceeing banquet}

Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*

I do not hit my children. However, I do text them in complete sentences with capitalization and punctuation, which is apparently equally aggressive.

I just asked my kids to jump into a bubbling magma pit.

Just kidding, I asked them to eat the dinner I cooked for them, but their reaction fits that magma scenario

THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.

Me: You can’t fire me, I quit!

Boss: You can’t quit, I fired you!

Me: You can’t quit me, I’m fire!

Boss:…

*our eyes lock and we kiss*

warden: instead of a last meal you want a movie?

me: yes, a final film

warden: ok, what do you want to watch

me: *smiles wide* the neverending story

[107 minutes later]

me: ok, that’s bullshit

Him: Hey girl, what that mouth do?

Me: Mostly complain. Sometimes binge eat. I also get these weird sores that – wait, where are you going?

burglar tip: do NOT steal the clear freezer gemstones they’ll melt in ur pockets & make it look like u peed urself all ur friends will laugh

A load of falling lizards is called a blizzard, right??

Imguana see myself out