Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Attention people with multiple people in your avi’s:

Draw an arrow pointing to yourself, OR replace it with a cat.

Thanks,
The rest of us

There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”

god grant me the serenity to close tabs i know i won’t read, the courage to keep ones open that i will, & the wisdom to know the difference

KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.

You realize kids in other countries make Air Jordan’s and iPhones right?

-Me responding poorly to my kid’s homemade Father’s Day gifts.

wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together

Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.

Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.

Some coworkers reheated lunch smells like it’s about to go missing in my stomach.

CDC: Stay safe by washing your hands

ENTIRE WORLD: *washes hands obsessively*

CDC: Also brush your teeth

WORLD: *brushes teeth frantically*

CDC: And take out the garbage

WORLD: Wait what?

CDC: Go make your bed

WORLD: Stop it

CDC: That bedroom of yours better be clean

U talkin 2 me?

interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years

me: i’d love to be a dinkwad (dual income no kids with a dog)

Serious question, why do rich people wear monocles? Like they can afford two lenses, am I right?

*puts leash around pet lobster*
I think there will be games and lots of friends to play with Pinchy
*walks into Lobsterfest*
COVER YOUR EYES

If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.

A werecoyote can only be killed with a silver anvil.

Can y’all please stop posting obi-wan spoilers? I’m not going to watch it I just don’t want to hear about it anymore.

I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I blow out her scented candles when she’s not looking.

Teacher: Bob, how do you make a nail plural?

Dumb Bob: You add S.

T: *amazed* Yes! Come up to the board and show us.

DB: [writes] SNAIL

Man wait until y’all realize that I’m the same person who posted this back in the day 😭
My life has BEEN weird. I got stories for days.

A man 20 years my junior just stepped right in front of me without saying excuse me. So I tripped him and he fell down the stairs. I asked him if he was okay because I have manners.

Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith

Sorry about my outburst. I was under the influence of common sense

Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁

Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup

Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.

You may want to rethink that.

Welcome to Condescending Club. Even an idiot would know the 1st rule. If not, you want paaaatronizing club. You know what that is, riiiight?

me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose

CDC: no

I hate when you have 47 items and the cashier asks, “Do you need a bag?” Oh no, I’m heading right back to the circus, so I’ll just juggle all this shit for 6 miles”

I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill