I’d like to make a formal apology to whomever had to clean the Shake Shack restroom at HWY 35 and Pirate Cove Lane after my visit.
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Water towers were invented so angst ridden teenagers had something to climb in 80s movies.
There’s so much going on 😂😂😂
Saw this crow emerge from a dumpster with two-thirds of a whole bagel, and the other crows stopped like they’d seen someone pull the sword from the stone. Gonna ask if they need Merlin.
I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up
Zen master: Why are you still tweeting? The validation isn’t real.
Me: Neither are you.
Zen master: Oh bugger.
wife: “man, we’re broke.”
me: “that’s all about to change!”
wife: “how?”
me putting on hot dog costume: “second interview.”
I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.
“This smoothie is spicy!”
“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”
“Stop hitting me.”
-Rock bottom.
How do you tell someone you’re the one I want without sounding too much like John Travoltra in Grease.
Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho.
Me: there’s a swarm of beets outside
Her: you mean bees?
[loud thud on the window]
Me: get the gun
Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.
Bye, have a great day. I’ll see you after school, I tell the orange in my kid’s lunch
Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?
My cat:…
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
Witch: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
Rapunzel: … Why tho
Witch: I wanna climb the tower
Rapunzel: Have you- have you seen the news? It’s close quarters up here
Witch: C’mon I gotta talk to you
Rapunzel: Can I just drop you a Zoom link
some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me
Phone rang. Caller ID said FUTURE US. I determined that it was me calling from the future to give myself important information. I answered and it was indeed me, but I was only trying to sell myself aluminum siding.
You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.
Can we stop trashing couples for meeting on the internet?
For centuries it was like, “my cousin in Idaho knows a farmer looking for a spouse, you should write him a letter,” and then you got married.
My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days
Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
I tell my kids that thunder means God is shouting; rain means God is crying; and lightning means God is killing Luke Skywalker.
Me {sweating profusely}: help! i’m stranded in the dessert!
Him: don’t you mean desert?
Me: {only a hand sticking up from the pudding}
Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U
My teenage niece and nephew refer to everything before the year 2000 as “the 1900’s” and, while technically correct, it still makes me want to slap them.
Logged into LinkedIn for the first time in three months and immediately received 45 emails from LinkedIn