Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Baby will you be my friend with benefits cause I have an upcoming procedure and don’t have health insurance.

I have laryngitis, and my kids have never been happier.

me after killing a werewolf: more like werewolf {but this time i pronounce it were, like the second person singular past, plural past, and past subjunctive of be}

[Office meeting]

*I stride in, straddle a chair:
Yo Guys. Listen up

Boss: Turn around Frank. We can’t hear you when you’re facing the wall

Coworker: it’s weird not having snacks in the breakroom anymore

Me *quickly shoving donut drawer closed* good how are you

*first year living alone*

Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what

[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box

“It’s your father; he’s been hitting the sauce pretty hard.”

*My father stumbles in with hollandaise in a highball glass* wassssssup!

When I’m worried about something, I find that going on a walk is a great way to get outside, breathe, and think of new things to worry about

if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.

me: you think i’m too obsessed with gardening?

friend: yeah we’re starting to grow concerned.

me: ooh how often do you water that.

Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf

Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver

by milkshake she means trash and by boys she means raccoons and it’s a real problem in that neighborhood

I get all my indisputable political facts from what my uncle Harold posts on Facebook. Like did u know Obama killed the last living unicorn?

Ever tried to pinch a dried yogurt smear off your black leggings and watched in horror as a cloud of dust floated off of them?

Me either. That’d be gross.

The 4 stages after getting dumped…

1) Waiting cuz u thinks it’s temporary.
2) Throwing in the towel.
3) Getting a cat.
4) Revenge.

I’m going to need a moment here.

I was out on a walk when I saw a sign that said, “Man wanted for robbery.”

So I went in and applied for the job.

“You know, the average woman does it at least 8 times a year in her sleep.” -Peter Parker attempting to convince Mary Jane to swallow

Have you ever been driving in a different state and then you see a yellow road sign with like squiggles and an incline and you don’t even know what it means but you just know you don’t wanna have to do that?

Me: thanks duckter

Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you

Never been more fit than the semester after my college bf dumped me…hey JP got a beach vacation comin up mind doin it again

[1st day as a mechanic]

CUSTOMER: can you check my tire alignment?

ME: umm, sure [nervously inspecting tires] I think they are Chaotic Evil

today at CrossFit we threw raccoons into the ocean

Banker: I understand you’d like to apply for a student loan?

Me: Yes. Preferably one that’s good at math.

Banker: What?

Me: What?

“MEANWHILE IN MONTANA: A handful of cows found their way into a newly built home and lived in it for a month before being noticed.

The family was moving from Washington. The Aunt was supposed to be checking on the place, but she didn’t. A rancher had filed a report about missing

i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.

Who really needs jetpacks, I want to be able to start over from my last save point

I was laughing at these nerds for wearing their backpack over two shoulders instead of one, and they got so mad they jumped out of the plane