“I’d like to make a toast.”
– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family
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“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”
went to my great aunt’s funeral (she made it to 96) and was eating so much potato salad and smoked salmon that my uncle asked if I had a tapeworm
Person 1: hey did you go see the new Holy Infant?
Person 2: I did
Person 1: what’s he like?
Person 2: so tender and mild
Person 1: what
Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!
Mom, here’s a picture of my bf, he’s a musician
“That’s just the stock image that comes with the frame”
ur wrong, mom. Me and DJ 8×10 are in love
friend: I have cancer
me: (remembering that laughter is the best medicine) lol
oh yeah, well can AI do this?
*eats 7 deviled eggs at the cookout*
Me: I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!
Date: 🙂
Fig: 🙁
Prune: bro, lol
How many situps do I have to do before I get a 6 pack? Please say 5.
My “life hack,” channel on YouTube is super popular but it’s just me ordering my assistant to make a meal, clean the clothes, scale a building using only twine. Put a mastiff face on the cheetah in the CRISPR lab, steal a kidney in a car, not a hotel room…. Pretty mundane.
A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.
Me: I feel like I look cute today.
Target self-checkout video: EIGHTY-SEVEN YEAR OLD WITCH.
Dudes who flirt on LinkedIn are like “That pickup line really backfired on Tinder so I’m going to try that again and include my entire work history”
when i was a kid we didn’t play house. we played courtroom. and let me tell you, i sent my fair share of teddy bears to the electric chair
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do Cowboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”
[Jack Ryan]
CIA BOSS: who are you
JACK: (trying to be cool) ryan. jack ryan
BOSS: nice to meet you ryan
JACK: no it’s
BOSS: everyone this is ryan
EVERYONE: hi ryan
RYAN: hi
If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.
Talk about a bad egg
I don’t want to brag, but January was a decent year for me
Andrew Garfield implies the existence of Andrew Nermal and Andrew Odie
My niece asked me what it’s like to be an uncle, so we got a feral cat from a shelter, chased it around for a bit, then took it back.
Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.
I’d be a horrible stalker.. I’m always late
my therapist gave me her cell phone number.
and I’m supposed to be the crazy one.
I just put the crockpot on the counter.
Which is basically the Bat Signal for ✨starting tomorrow we’ll be eating the same thing for the next three days✨
Enable location? Seriously, Twitter? Have you met some of these folks?
I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.
Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.
Got fired from the call center for changing all the ringtones to “Baby Shark”.
[me, a people pleaser]: “no doctor that’s okay, whatever type of blood you have is fine”
My favorite child is the one who can always find the remote.