“I’d like to make a toast.”
– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family
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I pry open the crab shell but instead of sweet crabmeat I find a tiny, bustling city filled with people who have my face. It tastes terrible
The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war
Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶
Optometrist: “You need glasses.”
In order from least to most stressful:
– code works
– code doesn’t work
– code doesn’t work, don’t know why
– code works, don’t know why
I forgot how to eat at a restaurant am I supposed to bring netflix with me or will they have my computer there?
[at job interview at NASA]
NASA: sir, you’re underqualified for this position.
Me: have you seen our president?
NASA: give him a spaceship
[being seated for blind date]
her: have you ever been on one of these before
me: yeah I love chairs
“I’m a night owl”
all owls are night owls. you are a regular owl.
Social media is great. Before Facebook I’d never know what the girl who wrote “dirty Jew” on my 8th grade locker was thankful for this year.
[Interrogation]
Cop: this guy looks like a cop if you ask me
*intercom* you need to be on this side of the mirror, Carl
Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.
Clients after you give them your rates
if you’re venting to someone and they say “idk I see both sides” you’re wrong
[from the sperm donation room]
Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS
I self medicate, therefore you live.
Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught
I keep a knife in my Bible so if someone wants to kill me, I ask to read it & when I get to the 6th Commandment, I stab them in the face.
I was applying for homeowners insurance today and they asked if I had any pets to which I said, “yes, two cats.” And then they asked me “have they been trained to attack or cause bodily harm?” and I wanted to know if anyone had been able to do this because I’ll hire you
[Bar]
me: Gimme one more
wife: I think you’ve had enough
m: Last one
w: Fine
m: *asks waitress for another kids menu so I can do the maze*
Apparently telling the cop during my sobriety test, it’s not how many times you fall, but how many times you get up was not the best answer.
We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.
I’m so old they didn’t even name my generation. They just called us hoodlums.
“The other day” -me referring to the year 2017
HER: Do you have any funny dating stories?
ME: [thinking about the time I wrote 2007 when it was actually 2008] Just one
Shortly after firing up my Toro Power Sweep, I begin thinking of myself as a “leaf herder” and realize I need to get out more often.
omg the traffic lights are red and green for Christmas 🥺
Life Coach: there are 2 wolves inside of you. The one that-
Me: are they ghosts? Spirit wolves? Do I have wolf powers or-
Life Coach: *slowly returning business card to wallet*
My wife’s upset at me I’m going to cheer her up and ask 9YO to play hot cross buns on the recorder
Authors, for the love of all things, let your protagonists sleep sometimes.
My career as a karate instructor was tragically curtailed when parents found out I was wholly unqualified & just enjoyed kicking children.