Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I DON’T CARE IF YOU THINK IT SOUNDS GROSS THAT’S WHAT WE’RE CALLING IT” – Guy who named the sweater.

My wife bought us a sex swing, and at first I was like “cool”, because I thought maybe we were getting a giant parakeet.

It’s 97 degrees outside and my kids want to sit in the hot tub. The devil needs to come pick up his children

*stands on scale at doctor’s office*

*takes off coat*

*empties pockets*

*shaves eyebrows*

If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.

I Can’t Tonight…

me: i can’t remember my password

my brain: how about an embarrassing memory

What idiot called it “being a werewolf” and not “having a beast infection?”

ME: Michaelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back?

GF: Yep

M: [2 hours later] How did he reach the bit between his shoulders?

I sing this with my entire soul to anyone within earshot. I truly believe, in my heart of hearts, that anything that is broken can always be mended.

-The inventor of duct tape, probably

[friend at his party] I think we’re just gonna keep spotify on for awhile
[me with a harmonica imprint in my pocket] cool my lips hurt anyway

Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.

I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.

Snakes, cats, madagascar cockroaches, and my daughter all hiss when they’re angry. This seems like the form of self-care I’m missing.

You block or unfollow me because I follow or retweet someone you don’t like.

Kindergarten called & said you left your maturity level there.

It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.

[police lineup]

Cop: Number 3, say, “Gimme your purse, you old hag.”

Me: You’ve got it wrong. I said “old woman,” not “old hag.”

🤷🏽‍♀️🤦🏽‍♀️😩

Spent all day doing one of my favorite things ever – not dying. Score.

“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”

#SixWordHorror

restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”

Thank god it‘s friday. Only 40 more years of working.

CW: can i ask a stupid question

ME: sure u seem qualified

Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.

My bologna has a first name.
-Oscar Meyer

All of my food has a first name.
– Jeffrey Dahmer

One of my kids opened a new bottle of salad dressing and immediately lost the lid. The next day another child of mine opened a new bottle of dressing, same brand and also immediately lost the lid. It’s not life or death but it is a fair example of why I rub my temples a lot.

Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.

Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?

[at sheep farm]
Me: So how do you get steel wool?
Farmer: well, that we get from our metal sheep
Me: huh?
*sheep walks by with Slayer shirt

i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.

Look, at the beginning of vacation you wear a cute form-fitting dress. The end of the trip you wear a tarp from Home Depot. Please don’t make me explain.