I’d like to meet a failed scientist, like I do writers.
“I science on the weekends and for free sometimes. I think of it more as a hobby.”
You Might Also Like
Once I tried to rescue this kitten stuck in a tree only it wasn’t a kitten it was an owl and he was, like…he was fine there.
*grammar police reads ransom note*
“Bring the money hear in too days, or she dead”
*grammar cop dies*
“Damn, he had 2 days until retirement”
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
cats: you just cleaned this box, i must use it
dogs: I can’t use a clean area, I must go where everyone has gone before me
Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”
Person: What’s your handicap?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t golf.
Me: Damn dog is under the covers again!
Wife: No she’s not. She’s next to the bed.
Me: Oh.
Wife: …
Me: Might be time to shave your legs.
me: whoa you think I’m buff?
them: no, we said buffoon
The most uncomfortable moment in my day is the time spent waiting in silence while someone searches for a ‘funny’ YouTube clip I *need* to see.
“I’m requesting the book for you now. Which library location would you like to pick it up from?”
“I’m really busy this week — could you bring it to my house?”
“I’m sorry, we don’t have the capacity to do that.”
“I understand, that makes sense. How about my neighbor’s house?”
This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.
*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin
Best mom ever 😂
my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant
[Testing Cat-Human Translator]
Scientist: Cat, what is your name?
Cat: I AM KANG THE DESTROYER
Owner: It’s not working. His name is Socks.
Welcome to your 40s.
Add ‘gravity’ to your list of enemies.
*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’
On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.
I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.
I told my kid that the fish fossil was found 194 years ago. He asked if I’d found it. And that’s when he mysteriously disappeared…
Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.
Silence is golden. Unless they’re in the shower and you can’t find their phone.
In that case, silence is very very suspicious!
mercenary: do you want this schrödinger guy dead or alive?
cat: *narrows eyes* yes
ME: I’m heading to the shop
ROOMMATE: What are you going to get?
ME: [wearing a wedding dress] Compliments
Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
On a bad dinner date? Bump the table with your knee to make the water in your glass ripple. Claim a T-Rex is coming. Sprint out the door.
Investing in beetcoin
Me: So are we putting the soy milk with an expiration date of October 31, 2021 back in the fridge or…
Wife: No it’s ok it’s only the ‘best by’ date
Sometimes, when I’m on a date with my wife of sixteen years, I break awkward silences by saying first date things like “so, I’ve never dated a mom before”
[interviewing babysitter]
me: how much do you charge?
ipad: