Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

FBI PROFILER, LOOKING AT PHOTOS OF MY HOUSE: White male, mid-30s, doesn’t have a lot of friends or close associations, probably read a lot about serial killers as a kid, eats a lot of bullshit food, no real skills
ME: I’m right here
FBI PROFILER: Talks like an idiot

The ex says he’s come into some money and can finally “take care” of me. Wait…he’s gonna have me killed isn’t he?

I’m not convinced that Trader Joe’s is actually inspired by a trader named Joe, and isn’t about someone trading exclusively in guys named Joe

This gonna be me in 2 weeks

If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.

Y’all answering phones calls while on the toilet need Jesus

GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff

Me: why not?

GENIE: I make the rules

ME: I wish I made the rules

GENIE: …dammit

I put the “pro” in inappropriate

The in-laws took my kids for a sleepover giving us the first kid-free night in years. So, of course, a jackhammer started in front of our house at 7:30am

I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.

Things are getting serious with my new boyfriend. Neither of us have slept with anyone else in eleven months (we met last week)

Why stop at 7-layer dip? Make it 15 layers. 25. Go nuts. There is literally no one policing this.

“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.

“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.

Lovely man.

Made horrible tea.

No, you can’t have candy for breakfast. Don’t be silly. Now be quiet and let me finish my peppermint mocha frappuccino.

COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.

I think it’s funny when parents get actually mad at people for call themselves a dog mom it’s like yeah no duh it’s not the same thing people actually like their dogs

Not to brag…

… but practically all of my arrest warrants are considered ‘outstanding’.

Me: I love you so much, you know that?

Toddler: *slaps me in the face*

i hate you platonically

Kellogg’s CEO just sent a company wide email telling all employees they have till 5pm tomorrow to decide if theyre ready to go ‘coocoo for cocoa puffs’ or take severance

Cop: License and registration

Me: Sure. *opens glove compartment; twenty eight packs of expired ketchup, three pairs of sunglasses and the Crown Jewels of Ireland fall out* Sorry. Just a sec

I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken

What no one tells you about having kids is that within a few years you’re in possession of lot of teeth that you have no idea what to do with

Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush…. and other days… I take my medication.

5: There’s a werewolf in my closet.
Me: Nah. Werewolves don’t live in closets.
5: Where do werewolves live?
Me: Um…warehouses.

my allegiance to alligators is based on a gut feeling. you see, the crocodile deliberately looks like he wants me dead, and as soon as possible. the alligator appears to give less of a shit, generally. so i’m like, sure, that’s something we can deal with. that’s a starting point

[ I am abducted by aliens ]

alien: it’s been 5000 years since we first came and bestowed upon you our wisdom. we excepted things to be… different

me: WANT SOME GUM IT’S AVALANCHE FLAVOR

Wait….making the right choices is an option?!

Welcome to your 50s. You’re pretty laid back about everything now –

except when the GODDAMN SQUIRRELS get in your bird feeders with the expensive food with peanuts, pecans, and chunks of suet–I THOUGHT THESE WERE SQUIRRELPROOF FEEDERS!!!!