I’d like to meet the person who decided that if you wanted to get married fast it had to be done by Elvis
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WIFE: His obsession with Star Wars is out of hand
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *adjusting Yoda mask* Cloud us with your lies you have, Karen
I don’t know, man. Climbing Mt Everest looks super boring and dumb. You just walk uphill and are cold. No thanks.
Please no more tweets from critics that are like “Wow, just watched an embargoed TV show. But I can’t tell you which show or whether the wow is good or bad.” What are we meant to do with these tweets. This is what texting your colleagues is for
A millennial told me that he and his friends weren’t on Twitter anymore because it was for old people now. I was like, “Finally, we won!”
the things my dad sends my mom 😭😂
The year is 2482.
The human population has been decimated.
Machines have taken over Earth.
A new season of Grey’s Anatomy starts.
bought a pair of yoga pants to motivate myself to run faster so no one sees me wearing this shit
*First day as a boxing cornerman*
Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what
My 8yo just asked my permission to say “shit” to express his anger, so don’t tell me I’m not raising a polite kid.
I don’t have an Alexa so I have to say things like “Matt, play music” or “Matt, turn the lights off” and then I have to do those tasks myself and it’s super embarrassing.
Co-pilot: you need to let the passengers know but keep them calm
Me *presses intercom* how fun is swimming?!
Society: Dance like no ones watching.
Also society: Records it for everyone to see.
If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have to wear tight jeans to Thanksgiving dinner.
If a cop pulls you over & asks if you know why. Answer “are you giving me a ticket or a quiz” for a free ride in their car.
Annoying my husband while he watches Star Trek: “Why does everyone in the future wear upholstery fabrics?”
Honesty is the best policy until it gets you slapped.
Too close to dinner for lunch now. I’ll just have a few fresh veggies and half a bag of potato chips to tide me over.
Her: *firing a stun gun at my head*
Me: *screaming* No! I said “I like brain TEASERS”
Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.
It’s way easier to procure food now than it was for our ancestors. Thousands of years ago, instead of buying it in the store, I would have had to hunt this can of Pringles in the wild.
Are we not gonna talk about how Edward Scissorhands’ mom had sex with a cutlery drawer?
I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.
Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
[friend at his party] I think we’re just gonna keep spotify on for awhile
[me with a harmonica imprint in my pocket] cool my lips hurt anyway
Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol
*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*
As we head into 2025, remember that 1980 is 20 years ago. We all agreed on this.
me: what’s your biggest turnoff
her: noisy people
me: [sliding finger off air horn trigger] same
Hot pockets… cook on high for 1 minute, let cool for 27 years!