I’d like to meet the person who decided that if you wanted to get married fast it had to be done by Elvis
You Might Also Like
*captain over the PA*:
and if you look out your window to the left, you’ll see Jerry, who is no longer my best friend, and deserves this.
Me: McDonald’s aren’t the only ones with a golden arch
Guy at urinal next to me:
Her: ooh your whole wall is a mirror, I bet you do all sorts of naughty things *giggling*
Me: [thinking about practicing sweet karate moves against my evil doppelgänger] haha you know it babe
Pilgrim 1: God blessed us with a new world, but now what do we do for our starving families?
Pilgrim 2: Let’s put belt buckles on our hats.
I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits
Add a touch of magic to your allergies by filling your mouth with glitter before you sneeze.
Me: My Amazon order arrived!
Him: What did you get?
Me: *scratches behind dragon’s ears* Nothing important.
Him: New happy pills?
Me: Maybe.
Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?
A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
Airport moving sidewalks are great for when you only want to feel like George Jetson for 10 seconds before you’re back to Fred Flintstone.
Friend: you’ve been acting weird ever since you won that hundred dollars
Me: what ever do you mean, old sport?
stealing a sock from the laundry: easy. childish. been done many times before
stealing a sock directly from the human’s foot: brave. daring. immediately in the history books
“Can I take your order?”
Wait, take it where?
“No, not-”
I haven’t even given you my order yet
“I mean-”
WHERE ARE YOU TAKING MY ORDER
COWBOY: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us.
CITY PLANNER: No this is just the mockup. The actual town will be much bigger.
My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”
[me as a cop]
Me: Mrs Hill?
Woman: yes
Me: it’s Ms Hill now
Woman: huh
Me: ur husbands dead
Woman: h-how?
Me [hand on her shoulder]: he died
Don’t dress for the job you have. Dress for the job your successful identical twin has and see how long you can get away with it.
CW: You’re not wearing a costume.
M: Yes I am.
CW: You’re dressed as yourself?
M: No. I’m a serial killer. We look just like everyone else.
*screaming at the smoke alarm*
DOES THIS SEEM HELPFUL TO YOU???
I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.
My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them
My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.
Welcome to parenthood, WHY ARE THE SCISSORS NOT IN THE GODDAMN DRAWER??
Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.
*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.
Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it
I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet
nothing makes me want to hold onto the stuff I no longer use more than when my wife tells me she’s putting it in the garage sale
Hi everyone, welcome to ventriloquist club! The first rule here is do not talk about ventriloquist club…with your lips moving.
Haha, just a little joke to get us started.
Obviously the first rule is don’t fall in love with your puppet.
That de-escalated quickly
