Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cop: Is that a turtle?
Me: …
Cop: Painted blue?
Me: …
Cop: With nails glued on?
Me: …
Cop: Mario Kart’s not real
Me: YOURE NOT REAL

I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.

“No, the bubble isn’t a circle it’s a sphere.” – Keeping this uppity four year old in check.

“dress for the job you want”

There’s a job you want???

My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.

[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu

PR MANAGER: It’s bad, boss. The picketers are getting a lot of support.

OUTSIDE:
🎵 Oompa Loompa, Doopity Doo!
A livable wage is the least you can do!
Oompa Loompa, Doopity Dow!
When do we want it? We want it now!🎵

WILLY WONKA: Ugh, why did I get them vocal training?

Alarm clocks would be much more effective if instead of a snooze button they just released bees.

Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?

Me: big day today
Brain: we’re ready
Me: yep
Brain: not like last time
Me: what
Brain: when you wrote ‘gren’ on the colors test
Me: I was 5
Brain: don’t blow it today

[after sex]

Her: wow that was loud

Tin man: I’m a bit rusty

*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*

Teller: holy shit

Me: what

Teller: you suck at art

“Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
“Go on then”
“NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
“That’s Superman”
“Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”

Why doesn’t Popeye’s serve spinach?

[Starbucks]
ME: [bursts in] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT LARGE

BARISTA: [shrugs]

ME: [sigh] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT VENTI

B: *grande screaming noises*

“I can’t wait to see what my Happy Meal prize is! Wait…what the -”

[U2 is playing a free concert in the box]

I walked into a gas station & a woman handed me a free slice of pizza

Either Iowa is the nicest state in America or I’ve just been poisoned

I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car

My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.

British woman Liz Trussell, who tweets as @LizTruss, has been spending the morning replying to world leaders and it’s possibly the best thing in the history of the internet.

My wife will fix her hair before she puts on a seat belt in the car because if she dies, she WILL LOOK GOOD dammit.

Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.

Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.

How high are you when you try to change lanes during your spin class?

How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.

Share your cheese puns. Only the Gouda stuff, not de Brie.

me: I believe it was Meatloaf who said two out of three ain’t bad

wife: YOU LEFT ONE OF OUR KIDS AT THE GROCERY STORE

[at family gathering]
Me: *shoving jumbo shrimp in my mouth*
Mom: Where are your manners?
Me: *points over at sister* She has them.

A ’diagnosis’ is always bad. No one says ”I was diagnosed with a great sense of humor and a new understanding of global economics.”

Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.