I’d like to meet the person who decided that if you wanted to get married fast it had to be done by Elvis
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Reasons I visit a TL:
1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know
My 5yo, asserting his independence on the last day of school by coming downstairs dressed in fleece pants on a 90 degree day. I’m sweating just looking at him.
15 men all vying for the chance to fight with one woman:
1. The Bachelorette
2. The American presidential race
Samsies.
Thinking about the time my 2 yr old unbuckled his seatbelt and stood up to wave at a passing cop. I got a ticket and my 2 yr old got a sticker recruiting him to be a police officer.
Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.
Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?
“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”
I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?
Airlines trust I can operate an emergency door and usher hundreds of passengers to safety but think I need step by step instructions on buckling a seatbelt.
[text]
Me: Where are you?
Boy: home
Me: Let’s verify that. You have 3 minutes to send me a photo of the inside of our freezer.
Me, eating catfish: This looks nothing like it did on the menu.
Barry?
Yes Joe
Can I borrow Air Force 1? I promised this girl we’d eat at the Pizza Hut in France
No Joe
*Biden slams fist*
THIS IS BULLSHIT
to celebrate the 30th anniversary of Jurassic Park we will be switching off 30 of the world’s most important electric fences.
Girl: Gonna keep having sex with this guy until he changes for me
Guy: Can’t believe she keeps having sex w/me I better not change a thing
Q-tips specifically say NOT to put them in your ears yet that’s the only reason we buy them. We are not a species built for survival
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
Someone’s just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries, but still.
I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.
Magician: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat and makes doves appear from a handkerchief*
Zookeeper: And the penguin in your backpack. Hand it over.
Me: What do you think of my tweets?
Wife: They’re all pretty terrible.
Me: Don’t you have ANYTHING positive to say?
Wife: You’re consistent.
The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called acoustic Qatar.
I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.
*Rolls window down*
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is it because I’m literally running down the street pretending to be a car?
Apparently even if you build your own Viking warship, raiding and taking over a village is still, like, SUPER illegal.
Me: Sometimes I don’t get Jo’s tweets.
Marta: Maybe you’re not high enough?
Me: * climbs tree
Life’s not about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning how to Riverdance around a broken bottle of olive oil in aisle 6.
No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.
Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: in these trying times
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: you can count on toyota
me: AHHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: welcome, to how to use a fire extinguisher
I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.