I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.
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Alexa, set the neighbor’s fire alarms for 3am.
UBER DRIVER: Where to
ME: One sec. Siri, where the best place to dispose of an uber driver’s body
SIRI: The bog
ME: nearest bog please
One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches
The title of my autobiography is going to be ‘You’d Think I’d Learn By Now, But Nope.’
imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee is just floating.
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
When I was little and I had a runny nose, I would cover it with a Band-Aid instead of blowing it. That should’ve been my parents’ first clue.
Hendrix didn’t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.
People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.
Sweardle is the 4-letter expletive-only version of Wordle. I can’t help but think they’ve missed a trick, however, by not calling it Angry Words.
Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.
Told my roommate that megamillions was up to $825 million and she said, “yeah but that’s only $400 million after taxes”. Our kitchen is in our living room.
Me: [when I like someone on Twitter] you’re a wonderful human being and I love you
Me: [when I like someone in real life] *velociraptor noises*
The most accurate map ever devised.
[First Date]
No dessert for me, I couldn’t eat another bite.
[Second Date]
*slides whole cake down my gullet like a pelican*
History: delete
Pics: delete
Texts: delete
Kik: delete
“Why yes, you can use my phone for a second.”
You ever get out of the shower and forget to rinse the conditioner out of your hair?.. Yeah, me neither.
2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod
Mailman left a package on my porch labeled “Do Not Bend.” I can’t figure out how to pick it up.
TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.
*wife offers me a sip of her water*
m: Am I gonna catch what you have?
w: No
m:
w:
m: Are you sur-
w: You’re not going to get my period!
Saved my gall bladder in a jar so when they ask me at the DMV if I want to be an organ donor, I can put it on the counter and say, “YES!”
Not sure if my pedicure tech asked, “you need chrome on your toes?” or “unicorn on your toes?” so I just nodded while trying to decipher it in my head, and now it’s too late. I’d be so easy to kidnap.
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.
Friend: your kid is bouncing off the walls and running everywhere!
Me: yeah… she’s super tired
Friend: tired?
Me: it’s complicated
“Sir… your family is dead. APRIL FOOLS!!!! Kidding!!! Your son made it! He’s in a coma! OMG You shoulda seen your face!”
– Worst ER doc
the sun is so successful because it has the perfect bedtime and morning routines
Me: *buys a blue chair online*
Internet: check out these 16 similar blue chairs since you obv collect blue chairs