@Lisabug74

I’d like to pay my .30 library fine with two credit cards please.

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@TheAlexNevil

Movies Lesson #5: very few people die while trying to get from one hotel room to another using the ledge outside, so give it a shot.

@hippocroteez

WANTED: Good looking girl to jog in front of me while I run. Can’t be fast.

@e4moji

Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that

@squirrel74wkgn

[on road trip]

Me: I AM NOT turning this car around
Son: *cries*
Me: Nope. No way.

[45 min later]

Me: *walks out of house holding Mr. Teddy Bear*

@Darlainky

Me: Shut the hell up!
Her: Maybe you wanna take this outside?
Me: *checks weather app* Can’t. There’s a high pollen alert right now.

@AJslackie2

Her: i’m in the mood

Me: me too

Her: wanna do it

Me: oh yeah baby

[we drive to Home Depot to look at paint]

@TheAlexNevil

Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.

@hunz74

“Are you smarter than a 5th grader?”

Me: “Sometimes?”

“Are you smarter than a 16 year old?”

Me: “Always.”

@thedad

Personal trainer: you must learn to listen to your body

My body: lifting weights is difficult, go play video games and eat ice cream