I’d like to pay my .30 library fine with two credit cards please.
You Might Also Like
I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit
TWITTER REHAB IS GOING GOOD YOU GUYS I GOT A NEW FRIEND HE HAS SPECIAL SUGAR AND IT’S AWESOME AND MY YARD HAS 3,957,268 BLADES OF GRASS!!!!
when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table
Children give terrible gifts because they’re poor.
Coyotes don’t run away – they pause and stare, like they’re trying to place you. One did this to me on the way home and I rolled down the window and said “I used to bartend at a fondue place?” He snapped his paw and said “right that’s it” and trotted off in the rain.
I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.
Why do I keep finding a lone shoe when I’m out hiking? Did someone just choose to abandon their shoe and hop along the trail?
*whispering to my belly fat*
I just can’t quit you.
Me (standing in front of mirror): bloody mary, bloody mary, bloody mary
Cop on other side: what is he doing
I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.
Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood
Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
5-year-old: How many pull-ups can you do?
Me: 22.
Wife: How many with witnesses?
Me: Almost 1.
CHRISTMAS INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Buy presents.
2) Pretend you could afford it
3) Pray the apocalypse arrives before your credit card bill does.
The Purge, but only for people who use their speakerphones in public.
listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,
[Me, being lowered into my grave.
Email still buzzing nonstop]Zillow: 7 new burial plots just listed in your area
Target: 20% off all women’s death shrouds
Amazon: It’s never too late to treat yourself from your wishlist
ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.
Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: “No.”
Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life
the best thing i’ve ever made
My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.
My teen practicing her lawyer skills, “We’re studying Thailand, can we get Thai food to help me understand the culture better?”
Hear me out: A sensor on the back of your car that detects a tailgater and shines a blinding light in their stupid lil eyeballs.
Me, scrolling to find my birth year
The Queen is so afraid of how the vote will turn out, she put Sam Smith in a boat circling Scotland singing “Stay With Me” into a megaphone.
Me: I don’t know how to hold this baby
Her: Head held high
Me *proudly* I don’t know how to hold this baby
If I don’t make this right hand turn going exactly 3 mph, the entire universe will explode & everyone will die.
– the lady in front of me
Wife: “Are you ok? You look exhausted.”
Me: “I saw one of those silica gel packs that says ‘Do Not Eat’ 4 days ago & I’m starving to death”
People laugh cos I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?