I’d like to pay my .30 library fine with two credit cards please.

You Might Also Like


Movies Lesson #5: very few people die while trying to get from one hotel room to another using the ledge outside, so give it a shot.


WANTED: Good looking girl to jog in front of me while I run. Can’t be fast.


Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that


[on road trip]

Me: I AM NOT turning this car around
Son: *cries*
Me: Nope. No way.

[45 min later]

Me: *walks out of house holding Mr. Teddy Bear*


Me: Shut the hell up!
Her: Maybe you wanna take this outside?
Me: *checks weather app* Can’t. There’s a high pollen alert right now.


Her: i’m in the mood

Me: me too

Her: wanna do it

Me: oh yeah baby

[we drive to Home Depot to look at paint]


Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.


“Are you smarter than a 5th grader?”

Me: “Sometimes?”

“Are you smarter than a 16 year old?”

Me: “Always.”


Personal trainer: you must learn to listen to your body

My body: lifting weights is difficult, go play video games and eat ice cream