“I’d like to purchase some deodorant please.”
“The ball kind?”
“No, for under my arms.”
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When I see JUST MARRIED I like to think it means ‘only married’ like there are higher types of commitment but they just settled for marriage
The question had been asked millions of times over thousands of years and I don’t know if science will ever answer the question:
How can a child this small take up so much room in a king sized bed
It’s wild that your car has balloons but you only get to play with them if something bad happens
girls don’t like boys who are punctual..
once this girl dumped me because i came early
Parents are like “i don’t want my teen having sex” and i get it. I had sex as a teen and now every full moon I turn into a giant sex
HOT older men in YOUR area want to know if YOU have been playing with the THERMOSTAT?
Waitress: any questions about the menu?
Me: why isn’t a burger a sandwich?
my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry
Need WebMD
I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter
Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.
Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…
Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.
my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’
I had to spread a lot of dirt and mulch today. You know that comedic pratfall where someone leans a rake against a wheelbarrow and then steps on the tines and they get a face full of rake handle? That’s a real thing.
My daughter helped make dinner and decided to cook the entire box of spaghetti so if any of you gets hungry in like the next month and half hit us up
At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.
the three branches of government
I will not defend the unsettling texture of my chili to you or anyone, madam.
I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.
I don’t want your undivided attention. I want your multiplied attention. Make clones of yourself and give me all of their attention too.
[desert island]
me: look!
wife: what?
me: a boat!
wife: HEEEEEELP!me: *writing* day 287, she’s still afraid of boats
My neighbor is having a party for his daughter. I have been listening to Justin Bieber for 3 hours. Do not interact with me.
Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..
*wife wonders where I am*
*hears every musical snowman in the store start singing*
*knows where I am*
“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”
If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.
3 things in life are certain: death, taxes and me not actually working past 1 pm on a Friday
I have 15,000 pencils, but I don’t remember buying any. Also, I don’t have a pencil sharpener, so none of them work.
Once I read this story abt a meth addict, she’d vacuum her whole house daily, even the walls, and that alone was enough to keep me off meth.
Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.