“I’d like to purchase some deodorant please.”
“The ball kind?”
“No, for under my arms.”
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I love spending time with my kid so I can hear about things like the pickup lines the boys use. (Her favorite is, “I’ll be your Lightning if you’ll be McQueen.”)
My superpower is morphing my political views to align perfectly with whoever is driving my Uber.
Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.
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curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious
What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?
Same middle name.
Kangaroo 911: What’s your emergency?
Kangaroo: I CAN’T FIND MY CHILDREN
Kangaroo 911: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: Oh nevermind
this is the greatest thing ever
I’ll tell the full story later but a 30 year old woman was like “let’s take this outside” to my 68 year old mom in a dollar general and mom was like YEAH YOU DON’T WANT THAT BUT OKAY and went outside and the b***h never came outside lol
Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.
Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?
I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.
In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.
Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO
she would like to bark at the manager, please.
I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment
*The British. The British need to hear this
‘Stealing someone’s coffee is called mugging.’
Two guys are driving through Indiana and they stop at a fast food place in Louisville. They start arguing about how the name of the town is pronounced, if it’s Louis-vill or Lou-ee-vill. They ask the cashier “how do you say the name of this place?”
She says “Burger King.”
When you ask for your phone charger back and your teenager has the audacity to ask “what percentage are you on?”
To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.
In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.
We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.
“Aaaaaaaaand done!”
-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions
[taking pregnant wife to hospital ER]
Me: Help! My wife’s having contradictions!
Dr: Don’t you mean contractions?
Wife: Never say never
I never delete my text messages…just in case a MF’er wants to lie about what they did April 25 1992
A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter
Don’t touch that.
SIRI, CALL FOR HELP! Searching for kelp. OMGYOU IDIOT! SIRI, GET AN AMBULANCE! There are 23 listings for lap dance in your area.
don’t often share recipes, but here’s my yummy kale soup:
1 buy kale
2 fill a sock with marbles
3 hit yourself in the face until unconscious
Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him
~ cats