“I’d like to purchase some deodorant please.”
“The ball kind?”
“No, for under my arms.”
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Two glasses of wine and ordering online groceries is essentially clubbing and the bouncer is whether or not I know my credit card expiration date without standing up
Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.
Cashier: sir the conveyor belt isn’t meant for riding
Me: I- I gotta know
Cashier: know what?
Me: *sighs* what I’m really worth.
scan me
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: blurry
Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.
One hamburger please
CHICK-FIL-A: Sorry we only serve chicken here
Oh
*leaves*
*comes back wearing a chicken costume*
One hamburger please
I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.
Better than a Justin Bieber concert:
1. Being deaf.
2. A rattlesnake bite.
3. Chewing razor blades.
4. Licking a public toilet seat.
Him: what are you doing with that chocolate cake?
Me: Don’t talk to me or my cake ever again!
Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.
*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.
My rings were getting loose so I gained ten pounds.
9:30 in the morning, the woman behind me in line says to her toddler “No, I don’t think they have ice cream right now, nobody eats ice cream this early in the morning,” just as I turn around holding a giant cup of vanilla soft serve.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.
Cop: license and registration.
Me: I don’t carry my drivers license so I don’t lose it.
Cop: where is it?
Me: I have absolutely no idea.
Absolutely no one:
The ice maker in my refrigerator: I HAVE A VOICE AND MUST BE HEARD
Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”
Me: [*Drinks water]
My Liver: New liquid, who dis?
*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*
Him: I need to see license, registration and proof of insurance.
Me reaching for purse: again?? Speed dating at a cop convention sucks.
So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.
Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.
“Hold on lemme just hotbox these bugs so I can steal and eat their goo.” -beekeepers everywhere
I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”
There is no try. There is only give up.
saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her
If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.
“Don’t let a hot date turn into a due date.”–my father’s actual sex talk with me when I was 13.
Not. Even. Joking.
my buddy told me he was on a plane and they were like “is there a doctor on board” and he was like “im a paramedic” and they were like “no it’s ok we found a DOCTOR” and the doctor was like “uhhh i haven’t examined a patient since med school can we please bring the paramedic”
anyways turns out the person was just sleeping so everything was fine
My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.