“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*
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ME: Humans have 10,000 taste buds. Cats have 470
SON: So cats don’t have much taste
CAT [watching the emoji movie] haha this is hilarious
I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
[Calls boss]
I’m gonna be late…
“How late?”
*Cut to me trapped inside a tiny house made from Lego*
I’ve no idea to be honest with you…
Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night.
“How is there a sink full of dirty dishes? I just washed them yesterday.”
—My 10-year-old learning a tough life lesson
which auto response should i send back to my dentist?
Today my 6yo said it was good it’s snowing, as that means the earth isn’t getting hotter, and tonight she starts as an anchor on Fox News.
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
Walked by a restaurant where they were using iPads for menus. How cheap are iPads now? More importantly, how expensive are menus?
Me: can you help with the dishes?
5 [licks dirty silverware] yeah.
fixed it
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
If you liked it then you should have put a rig on it
“Give me a positive adjective…”
“Splendid.”
“Nice. Now how about a negative adjective?”
“Splendidn’t.”
every house is a dream house when you can’t afford one
I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.
[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is antonym
ME: synonym
JUDGE: no you have to spell it, not give an example
ME: *lips on mic* i-t
You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles
*Computer crashes, I reboot it*
Computer: Windows was not shut down properly.
Me: Don’t put this on me, man.
Client: “I want to learn how to use the ATM”
Me: “Sure no prob!”
~~~~*Standing outside in the rain in front of the ATM*
Me: “ok first put your card in the machine”
Client: “Oh I don’t have one”
Me *blinking intensely*
Dude, when’s the last time you read a book?
“shh, I’m getting mad online”
We all make silly mistakes like when I asked the lady with massive lip injections if she was allergic to bees.
Your car took up two spaces, so I tried to move it over with my key.
Me: It’s time for your nap.
6: I don’t wanna take a nap!!
M: First off, don’t talk back to me. Second, I was talking to me.
“Update your Adobe or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”
– Flash mob
[taking my date for a walk in the woods]
HER: this sure is a dense forest
ME [trying to impress]: yeah it’s dumb as hell
There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen
me: how can I impress my date
friend: buy her dinner
me: ok
[later at the restaurant]
her: what?me: I said how much do you want for your burger?