“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*
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I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad
Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.
A Brit watching their house fall off a cliff:
“That’s a bit of a blow”
Me: Why are you in such a bad mood?
5-year-old: I haven’t had my coffee.
Me: You’ve never had coffee.
5-year-old: Exactly.
I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack
[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value
*first date*
Her: So what animal would you be?
Me: Oh a cat for sure!
Her: Aw cute!
(Later that night)
Me: *stood next to a closed door screaming at the top of my lungs*
Her: …Ok considerably less cute.
Me: I hope I get a good night’s sleep.
My dog at 1 AM: Hey I just did a huge diarrhea on the carpet.
me: there’s a fly in my soup
waiter: quite sorry, we’ll get you another at once
me: no, just the one is enough
Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings
“I can’t find this book on the shelf.”
“I’m sorry, it looks like we don’t have that book in the library system.”
“But you had this book five years ago!”
“Sir, I had so many things five years ago.”
fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say “I haven’t decided yet” while sobbing uncontrollably
JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?
“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”
– Adam & Eve on laundry day
girl at restaurant: “Are you Tony Hawk?” me: “Yes.” her: “Why?” I had no idea how to answer.
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Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!
Instead of asking “Are you still watching?” Netflix just said “Hey, pace yourself, we’re almost out of shows.”
If I were 30 years younger, I’d remember where I was going with this tweet.
March 16
No one:
Me: “The word “Militia” just sounds like Sean Connery saying the name Melissa.”
During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.
My 5 year old thinks that there’s a monster under his bed so I assured him that it won’t get him as long as he stays in bed until 8AM.
Doctor: That does it for the stitches. How did you bust your lip open?
Husband: I was sparring with a buddy yesterday.
Me: He was pulling up the duvet when his hand slipped and he punched himself in the face.
How to find out if you old.
(Fall down in front of a group of people.)
If they laugh, you are young.
If they panic, you are old.
I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.
Bobby pin
“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”
“This steak is really chewy.”
*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*
Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry. Yes I remain sweet & quiet but on the inside I’m composing a strongly worded email