“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*
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[lying on the couch, one leg hanging off the side, face and shoulder smashed against the arm, other leg and one of my hands completely asleep] well as long as the cat is comfortable
[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
“Ya”
Cool me too. I love planet earth
friend: how did the neck surgery go?
me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.
i- i did not expect this
Me: We need a more colourful couch
My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?
Him: Baby are you mad?
Me:
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No, why?
When my son handed me my wallet I realized something important.
He’s a pickpocket.
The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.
Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel
if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them
In space, no one can hear…
Disappointed it’s raining this weekend
Was totally going to do that job I’ve been putting off for 6 months
if u think ur house is haunted get a cat. whooshing sound? it’s the cat. hear footsteps? def the cat. unseen being devouring your soul? cat.
I put the dog’s drugs in peanut butter so she’ll take them. She loves peanut butter cuz she thinks it tastes good AND it gets her high.
Show yourself some self-love.
No. Not in public.
I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.
You’re not meant to sit on them.
My wife let me remove all her clothes last night.
From the dryer.
no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat
I know how to share fries even if others do not. I am a bear.
The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.
Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think
Just saw my kid throw the handsoap away with some left in the bottom because the straw didn’t reach the soap anymore. Um, you add water to that shit and keep going. This ain’t the Ritz.
Me: our son is sleeping with a teddy bear and a stuffed whale
Wife: it’s adorable
Me: BUT THEY ARE FROM COMPLETELY DIFFERENT ECOSYSTEMS
*brushes teeth for seventeen hours straight before dentist appointment*
“Jessica, there is an entire Oreo behind your second molar.”
We didn’t think of the ecosystem when we abolished Mondays. Dying of starvation, we watch as our crops are devoured by millions of Garfields
Hugh Jackman implies the existence of a small ackman
philosophy professor: you must question everything
[later]
me: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have you been doing all day, you piece of shit
Prince charming: I’m looking for someone with size 5 feet
Cinderella: I have size 5 feet
Prince charming: did we dance at the ball last night
Cinderella: (definitely didn’t leave the house) I absolutely for sure went in a….pumpkin
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it