“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*
You Might Also Like
[first date]
Him: See? Juggling on a unicycle is easy.Her: You’ve lost a lot of blood.
Him: I’m fine. Throw in another chainsaw.
Her: While you’re just laying there?
Barber: Snip snip snip snip snip.
Me: What are you doing?
Barber: I’ve lost my scissors and I was hoping I could trick you into thinking I was cutting your hair by saying snip.
Me: I can see you in the mirror.
If you pencil in your eyebrows just right, coworkers will not attempt to talk to you
*Puts on angry eyebrows*
Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral
Girl: Cute dog
Me: Thanks he’s my therapy dog
Dog: *taking notes* possessive and codependent
me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar
balloon animal guy: ok
Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.
My job sucks but it pays the bills.
Too bad I can’t say the same things about my boyfriend.
At dinner last night two women asked to take my husband’s picture. I said, “Why? Who do you think he is?” And they said, “Aren’t you Gabe from Top Chef?” and my husband said, “Bon Appetit!” and smiled for the picture.
This man can’t even make scrambled eggs.
Kids: “Mom watch this. Watch this. Mom. Mama. Mama watch this. You’re not looking. Mom look. Look at me. You’re not looking.”
Me: merging onto the highway
[My Funeral]
“He died doing what he loved… saying ‘Cars have to stop for pedestrians,’ as he stepped bravely into the crosswalk.”
I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.
Person: Hi, my name is *my brain plays 3 seconds of air horn*
Me: I’m sorry, what was that?
Person: I’m *air horn*
Me: Again?
Person:
If I was a criminal my calling card at the scene would be an empty strip of antidepressants and the cops would be like ‘wow she motivated herself long enough to rob this bank, good for her.’
1) Second. 2) Minute. 3) Hour. 4) Day. 5) Week. 6) Month. 7) Year. 8) Decade. 9) Century. 10) Millennium. 11) Women buying clothes.
For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you
Local Singles 2.9 Miles From Your Area
*refresh page*
Local Singles 3.7 Miles From Y..
“no dont leave”
*refresh page*
Local Singles 7.8 Mile
i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?
I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.
*first date*
Haha yeah I’m a pretty laid back guy*third date*
AnD THAT IS WHY YOU’RE WRONG ABOUT DONKEYS MOTIVATIONS IN SHREK.. figHT ME AMANDA
When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.
Sure, everyone SAYS they want a painless death but when the guy shows up to give you one you start whining.
That’s classic.
My mother-in-law called me a witch, but my husband was quick to defend me. He said, “Emma wouldn’t go near a broom.”
I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.
s
oc
i
a
l
Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.
*wins $1000*
To claim your prize, create an account and password.
Ugh this will take forever, nevermind.
This is not my forté. It’s not even my threeté if I’m being honest.