“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*
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Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio
Cartoon orange juice is just pulp fiction
Cristina Aguilera: “You’re beautiful! No matter what they say!”
Me: “Wait, what do they say?”
Jesus Christ is trending? What the heck did he do THIS time?
I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him
WATSON: It appears the victim died upon entering the bathroom
HOLMES: And how did you deduce he wasn’t leaving?
WATSON: No shit, Sherlock.
Google maps is like, “in 8.4 miles, stay on the road you’re on.”
I have no time for stupid people
But they sure do have time for me.
Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?
Doctor: We can try, but I never met him
1st rule of snitch club is d-
“MIKE BROKE THE 1ST RULE!”
Ok w-
“JIM BROKE THE 3RD RULE!”
*police sirens*
Who called the cops
*everyone runs*
please hire me for anything except the job i do now. qualifications include but not limited to:
•can walk up and down stairs
•can easily identify when someone is talking
•knows all US states except one
•once ate a blueberry muffin like an apple
•can smell most numbers
Me: Can I please have a stack of Italian pancakes?
Wife: you know damn well it’s called lasagna
Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker
Me: wow
My sock puppet: WOW
I’ve been putting my sunglasses on and walking away from things in slow motion all day, nothing has exploded yet.
My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.
Cave rescue is going to make an incredible movie, can’t wait to see Scarlett Johansson inspire in her role as 12 Thai boys.
I took someone else’s coffee at Starbucks. I’m Tiffany now
my plan for the new year: getting fit as a fiddle, complete with strings, bridge, tailpiece, chin rest, and f-hole.
Me in my 20’s: I graduated with honors
Me in my 40’s: I beat Waze to work
people who put their finger everywhere: leave my dimples alone
Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.
The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.
I’ve always wanted to rewrite history but couldn’t decide on the font..
DISNEY EXEC: So we’re going to remake 101 Dalmatians
ME: *hand shoots up*
EXEC: NOT with velociraptors
ME: *hand drops down*
I swatted at a bee today and my daughter called me a buzzkill.
You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.
When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.
If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..
Wife: Are you crying in there?
Me crying: NO!
W: have you been eating cheese again? *opens door*
Me with mousetrap stuck to lips: NO
I have a box of thirdhand rice. My daughter’s friend bought it, but then he moved out of his apartment so he gave it to her because it wasn’t opened. Now she’s moving out of her apartment so she gave it to me because it wasn’t opened. I’m not really sure how I feel about it.