“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*
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All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.
Me: I just played the “poop in a bag” trick on our neighbor
Wife: Haha! Where’d you find the dog poop?
Me: …dog?
My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.
This is meant to give your cat a seat at the table but it could totally be a whack-a-mole game instead
Genuinely stunned France has adopted the word “wifi” rather than “le signal librement accessible sans l’utilisation de fils” or some shit.
Each day is a wondrous journey, always discovering the new things in life that can irritate me.
Told my roommate that megamillions was up to $825 million and she said, “yeah but that’s only $400 million after taxes”. Our kitchen is in our living room.
[enter password]
*Correct*
[your password is incorrect]
Me: ahh that’s right
*incorrect*
Login Successful
snow white broke into a house in the woods and did chores. wow, boring. goldilocks, the true hero, broke in to a house, made some judgements, and then took a nap. i have no notes
Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket
DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making
ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS
While taking a nap with my daughter, my 4 year old son creeps into my bed, fiddles with my bra hooks for 5 minutes, then gives up and passes out snoring next to me. No need for a paternity test, he’s definitely my husband’s son.
Soldiers seen here arriving before the infamous Battle of Baguettysburg.
My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.
* trimming my toenails
Smartwatch: you are exceeding your usual amount of activity, good job!
Me: WOW. Look at those legs!
Her: Thank you.
M: They’d look great around my neck!
H: Hey!
M: Wish I’d brought my saw.
H: WHAT?!?
M: Nothing.
Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you’re finishing a marathon.
Top 3 things that cause my 10yo the most fear and trepidation:
3. Oversized sharks
2. Rooms with large spiders in them
1. Being served a burger with mayonnaise on it
After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off
Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.
I just passed the cutest kitten.
It was much easier than swallowing it.
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
I planted all the evidence for evolution once it became clear it did not serve the best interest of My reputation to take credit for you.
*hears giggling kids
7: Then baby cows can just walk into my house!
Me (in the bathroom): WHAAAAT?
Friend: You need help?
Me: I need to write a couple letters.
Friend: OK
Me: Not those.
I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning
Mafia Boss: You wearin’ a wire?
Me: “Wire” you asking me that? lol get it[the rest of this tweet takes place on the bottom of a river]
[to a mushroom] ok, pretty cute. but let’s see you without the hat
me: anything interesting happen today?
my 8yo: I finally got a booger out of my nose that’s been there since I was 5.
Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake