“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*
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Sometimes I think about when a woman told me I did it the easy way having twins and I didn’t kick her in the crotch.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.
mike wazowski: *rubs lamp*
genie: *emerging* what’s your first wish?
mike wazowski: i want revenge on pixar for giving me one eye
genie: *looks at the lamp*
lamp: *jumps on the pixar’s i*
genie: i for an eye 🙂
The good news is, Tony Abbott says Australia may have spotted two pieces of the plane. The bad news is, Tony Abbott says a lot of things.
guy: my dog just died
girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog
Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”
If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?
What if Tony soprano was holding a cat like The Godfather but the cat is Garfield
*Holds my sweatpants like a ball gown when I walk up the stairs*
I just remembered the time I went on a first date to London Zoo and at the gate he asked if I would mind paying for my own ticket, which I said I would, at which point he pulled out a 2-for-1 voucher, so I paid for my ticket and he went in for free.
A wine sampling? How delightful. I’d also like to experience only a titch of love and a morsel of happiness.
Not sure video Instagram is a good idea. I’ve never looked at a picture of someone’s dinner and thought, “If only I could hear this.”
I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.
Before getting in my face, please be aware that I completed two tours in Vietnam. One was on a Segway in downtown Hanoi, the other took us through a delightful little bakery in Ho Chi Minh.
I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.
I thought attending Zoom meetings from home was the worst. Then I went back to the office and experienced being around other people who were in Zoom meetings.
I picked up good pizza and took it to Little Caesars to show it what happens to bad pizza.
Plot twist: This time the dog opens the door and I run away.
I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don’t choke any dolphins. If I’m gonna choke a dolphin, it’ll be with my bare hands.
4: mama, I lost my pet rock. I need it. you HAVE to find it!
me: well, where did you have it last?
4: outside
with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number
Not to brag, but my son’s principal hasn’t called today.
PASTOR: and the lord said unto us—can u stop please? it’s very distracting
ME: [bouncing up & down on yoga ball] i don’t think he said that
[my husband turning onto our street]
“know what I think?”
husband: you don’t have to say it everytime.
“we’ve been down this road before”
me: [arriving in heaven] so did anybody cry at my funeral
god: oh actually your body is still in the ball pit
I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.
Oh really? I swallow eight spiders a year in THEIR sleep
If Dean is Dean then why is Sean Shawn?
♫ Hey there Delilah, can we handle this discreetly
My stomach reacted badly
after eating old zucchini ♪
and I just pooooed ♫
You hate me: I’m the person that gets stuck in the slide at a water park. Everyone smashes into the back of me and we ooze down the slide in a sad people pile. I’m so sorry.