“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*
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Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.
Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it
My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.
Guys, when she complains about something you didn’t do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok!
You’re welcome!
Picking up women at the bar and then gently setting them down
Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.
The holidays are always tough on me….
One year for Christmas , I made a gingerbread house that wasn’t up to code & it collapsed on a tiny, little gingerbread family.
Still haunts me.
Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.
dvd? why are the Ds fighting??
“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”
~police asking for help in my disappearance
Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.
Apparently hitting a butterfly with my car is “not a valid reason to call 911” and I “need to grow up”
Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.
Walk into karate dojo. Bow. Assume made up karate stance. Taser the first guy who runs at you. Bow. Exit karate dojo
WIFE: I don’t like pre Christmas, mainly because I’m so bad at buying presents.
ME: You just put them on the counter and give the checkout person money, Sharon.
HER: I hate you.
ME: I got us a custom headstone!
WIFE: I’m not being immortalized in one of your dumb jokes
ME: Just read it
WIFE: “Tomb it may concern…”
Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.
date: this is so romantic
me: just the two of us
date: and the stars
me: and the moon
the moon: *winks at my date*
me: *narrowing eyes* son of a-
Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.
Friend is a masseuse. Her speakers broke so she told client she can’t play any music, jokingly offered to sing for him instead. He said, “Just whale song or something will be fine”. Omg. She made whale noises for a full 15 minutes before he got up and complained to her manager
Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”
I don’t really understand the rules for Pommel Horse, so either this is all very impressive or I am witnessing some of the worst attempts to sit down I’ve ever seen.
It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies
All the smart people at the office are worried about being replaced by A.I., but not me. I’m safe until they invent Artificial Stupidity.
Open an ice cream shop with flavors like “don’t be sad,” “they’re not worth it,” “you deserve better” and see if people don’t flock right in
When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”
[grocery shopping]
“Actually it should be 15 items or FEWER”
I’ll fix that sir [grabs mic] CUSTOMER NEEDS HELP FINDING EXTRA SMALL CONDOMS
I don’t need my father to tell me he’s proud of me, I need Muldoon from Jurassic Park to call me a clever girl when I sneak up on him in a jungle.
Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.