Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A gathering of crows is called a murder.
A gathering of eagles is called a convocation.
A gathering of old girlfriends is called a mistake,
…a terrible, terrible mistake.

Me: I’m going to shower

6: you’re beautiful! You don’t need to shower!

Me: Aw, than-

6: just some make up would help

Caveman: “So what do you call it?”
Caveman2: “I call it burny light.”
Caveman: “that’s terrible. You’re fired from the naming committee.”
Caveman2 “wait… say that again…”

Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week

1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow

Airport security asked me if I’ve seen anything unusual…I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich…Let’s start with that.

Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?

(Lionel Richie, speed dating)

Dear guy backing into that tiny parking space.

You’re not Jason Bourne. You don’t need a rapid egress contingency plan for Costco.

I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.

You can use an egg timer to tell you when your egg is cooked perfectly. For brown rice you can use a calendar.

Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

Me: I think we’ll all still be using mirrors, five years isn’t that far off

It’s been a week with no gluten and minimal sugar, I’ve lost hearing in my left foot.

Note to self: placing a cup to capture the coffee coming out of the coffee maker makes for a better start to the morning..

Our middle child says we neglect him/her.

I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls

On a packed bus googling “how to tell the person sitting next to you that you love them”

Sometimes I wonder how such beautiful kids can really be mine.

Then my 4-year-old opens a door and runs into the door frame.

Then I know.

[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.

Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.

Twitter can teach you a lot of lessons. Grammar is not one of them.

A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.

Weirdos gonna weird.

[Job interview]
Me: [thinking] I hope he doesn’t notice the mustard on my shirt

Interviewer: [thinking] Is he eating a fkn hotdog?

I’m at my most superstitious when there’s no wood in sight so I knock on paper three times. Hey, it’s made from trees and I don’t want to jinx myself.

Grammar tells us, ” ‘i’ before ‘e’ except after ‘c’ “.

But science tells us otherwise.

#GrammarDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes

God: did you name the 2 moons of Mars?

angel: yes, Phobos & Deimos

[turns to 2nd angel]

God: and, what did you name earth’s moon?

angel 2: oh! ummm? the…Moon 🤷‍♂️

[doctor’s]

INVISIBLE MAN: Am I cured doc?

DR: Your tests are all clear

IM: Is that good?

DR: [talking to wrong empty chair] I’m not sure

How I’d get arrested…

If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”

There’s plenty of fish in the sea… For example, Christian: